Today at work, there was a meeting between the girls who work in the O.R. and the management team, and points of contention were addressed for the first time in a long time. This meeting was a long time coming, and it was a positive step.
Once the meeting ended, Holly and I walked to her car and debriefed. A few of the things that were brought up in the meeting include not feeling comfortable enough with certain coworkers to ask for help, and how overly-accommodating (I feel) we are with certain surgeons. Sometimes, I get so tired of hearing “That’s just the way it is, and there is no point trying to change it because change won’t happen.” Holly pointed out that sometimes, I am the only one that gets annoyed with the way things are. I admit that I take things very personally and occasionally misread situations, and when people rub me the wrong way consistently, I get very good at holding grudges. Most of the time in social situations, I feel pretty laid-back and more of an observer than anything else, but Holly made me realize that that isn’t always true, and I am the one being affected the most, and it is impacting my happiness in life and my satisfaction in the work place. I found these two quotes about anger, and they really stood out to me.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny
The absolute last thing I want to do is let the people who make me the most upset to conquer me, and that really put things in perspective. I am aware that I take things too personally, and I often feel as though I am being attacked when I am approached with an issue and the person talking to me speaks in a tone that is not conducive of moving forward in a positive way. I am open to constructive criticism, and will honestly try hard to implement the changes necessary, but if the conversation is started in a negative way, I have walls that go up very quickly and I close off from any conversation at all. I let my emotions get the best of me, and it is something that I am working on in counseling.
One of my goals is to try to constructively work on gaining control over my emotions. Far too often, I allow people to get the best of me and I get angry about it. Part of the disorder I am working through is that when I am disappointed in someone, or if they can’t live up to the impossible standards I begin to hold them in, I get very angry and disenchanted with them, and they “fall from grace” in my mind. It’s hard to place so much in people, to have them plunge in esteem (in my eyes), only to put them right back up on that pedestal. It’s part of the fear of abandonment that is inherent in the disorder. Over the next year, I will be working diligently to figure this out and find ways to not have these giant fluctuations. It’s damaging to my psyche, and my heart, honestly. Learning to take each day, each hour, each minute at a time and live more in the moment is something that is part of my weekly therapy, and something I am trying to be more mindful of. It’s a struggle, because I feel as though school and work and trying to have a semblance of a social life is hard enough, let alone the “assignments” my counselor gives me to complete on top. It’s a major juggling act, and although I know it’s something necessary to do to better myself, I haven’t found a balance yet. Unfortunately, I feel as though the counseling aspect is what I am working on the least, when I really should make it a priority.
One of my favourite quotes is “We need to be the change we wish to see in the world” by Ghandi. It is something I try to remind myself of often, but I will make this more of a personal mantra. So what if I can’t stand the surgeon or certain classmates or this or that? THEY aren’t being negatively impacted by my feelings of dislike, only I am. I want to try focusing my energy on overcoming rising emotions and staying calm, rather than having my energy go into hating being in the vicinity of certain people. It really doesn’t help anyone at all.
Wish me luck, this is something I have been meaning to address for a long time!