My mind wanders across the plains of your body,
the hills and valleys of your sculpted shoulders,
the streams of your words flowing through my ears
and pooling in my heart.

Your eyes are the blue of
a lake trapped under ice for the winter,
lying in wait of the warmth of spring.

I know just the way to melt that ice
and unleash the sparkling blue,
the soft way to trail my fingers down your back
before diving in for a kiss in your depths.

Alas…

The rain from your eyes cannot fall upon
the forests of mine any longer.
Someone else has become the sun to free your blues,
and I remain in my gardens,
yearning for your eyes to quench the thirst I have for you.

Today at work, there was a meeting between the girls who work in the O.R. and the management team, and points of contention were addressed for the first time in a long time. This meeting was a long time coming, and it was a positive step.

Once the meeting ended, Holly and I walked to her car and debriefed. A few of the things that were brought up in the meeting include not feeling comfortable enough with certain coworkers to ask for help, and how overly-accommodating (I feel) we are with certain surgeons. Sometimes, I get so tired of hearing “That’s just the way it is, and there is no point trying to change it because change won’t happen.” Holly pointed out that sometimes, I am the only one that gets annoyed with the way things are. I admit that I take things very personally and occasionally misread situations, and when people rub me the wrong way consistently, I get very good at holding grudges. Most of the time in social situations, I feel pretty laid-back and more of an observer than anything else, but Holly made me realize that that isn’t always true, and I am the one being affected the most, and it is impacting my happiness in life and my satisfaction in the work place. I found these two quotes about anger, and they really stood out to me.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha

He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny

The absolute last thing I want to do is let the people who make me the most upset to conquer me, and that really put things in perspective. I am aware that I take things too personally, and I often feel as though I am being attacked when I am approached with an issue and the person talking to me speaks in a tone that is not conducive of moving forward in a positive way. I am open to constructive criticism, and will honestly try hard to implement the changes necessary, but if the conversation is started in a negative way, I have walls that go up very quickly and I close off from any conversation at all. I let my emotions get the best of me, and it is something that I am working on in counseling.

One of my goals is to try to constructively work on gaining control over my emotions. Far too often, I allow people to get the best of me and I get angry about it. Part of the disorder I am working through is that when I am disappointed in someone, or if they can’t live up to the impossible standards I begin to hold them in, I get very angry and disenchanted with them, and they “fall from grace” in my mind. It’s hard to place so much in people, to have them plunge in esteem (in my eyes), only to put them right back up on that pedestal. It’s part of the fear of abandonment that is inherent in the disorder. Over the next year, I will be working diligently to figure this out and find ways to not have these giant fluctuations. It’s damaging to my psyche, and my heart, honestly. Learning to take each day, each hour, each minute at a time and live more in the moment is something that is part of my weekly therapy, and something I am trying to be more mindful of. It’s a struggle, because I feel as though school and work and trying to have a semblance of a social life is hard enough, let alone the “assignments” my counselor gives me to complete on top. It’s a major juggling act, and although I know it’s something necessary to do to better myself, I haven’t found a balance yet. Unfortunately, I feel as though the counseling aspect is what I am working on the least, when I really should make it a priority.

One of my favourite quotes is “We need to be the change we wish to see in the world” by Ghandi. It is something I try to remind myself of often, but I will make this more of a personal mantra. So what if I can’t stand the surgeon or certain classmates or this or that? THEY aren’t being negatively impacted by my feelings of dislike, only I am. I want to try focusing my energy on overcoming rising emotions and staying calm, rather than having my energy go into hating being in the vicinity of certain people. It really doesn’t help anyone at all.

Wish me luck, this is something I have been meaning to address for a long time!

Tonight, my roommates and I discussed movies, television, and books. I listed off some of my favourites in each category, and HBan cocked her head to the side and said “I’m trying to find a pattern in what you like, and there just isn’t one.” Brain agreed. This was after we discussed romance movies/books and Brain said “You just don’t like romance, do you? You’re looking for love, but you don’t like love.” I disagreed, because I am a true romantic in real life. I’m the girl who will go to the ends of the earth to ensure the man I love is happy, and romance is something I look for in a relationship. I just don’t like romances that include things as improbable as vampires and werewolves. But love stories that could happen in real life, like a girl loving an enigma of a man and tries her best to figure out the puzzles he creates around his heart, or a girl who falls head over heels for a guy covered in colourful tattoos but is completely out of her league, those are love stories I can get on board with. (I wonder why…)

Ask Badger. We constantly fought because I never felt like he made an effort to show me he loved me. I wanted grand gestures like Seth Cohen made for Summer in The O.C. I want someone who will stand in front of tons of people and profess his love for me. The couch thing with Tom Cruise on Oprah? Sure, it was a little overzealous, but he LOVES her, dammit! I want a boyfriend who sends me flowers to work, who creates his own little tradition with gifts that are inexpensive but completely heartfelt, I want to be “Facebook official.” That is the kind of romance I thrive off of, because chivalry and romance is all but dead it seems.

That being said, romance is not a one-way street. I go out of my way to pick out gifts that I know my boyfriend will love. I spend hours making truffles just because I want to bring a smile to his face. I put effort into letting him know that he is on my mind, and that he makes me happy. There are so many things that I want to do but haven’t had the opportunity to do.

Only PLFB knows the ridiculous plot that jumped into my head that involved a very high Visa bill, but to avoid the threatened slap to the face, I will refrain from doing so. But let me assure you, it was the grandest, most romantic gesture I might ever thin of doing! It worked for Mr. Big and Carrie, which is one of the greatest love stories of all time…

Noun - the sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved but no longer do.

This could be a wonderful beginning, or end in a beautiful disaster. Either way, I’m completely gone.

And I’m currently loving it.

I’m a bad friend. I’m sorry for not getting my Christmas cards done in time to be worth sending to my friends overseas and over borders. Merry Christmas to everyone in my life that I love, across the US and all the way to the UK. I hope it was a delightful weekend of celebration for you, as it was for me. I love you

‎”You’re not 1st year are you? You write incredibly well, I mean probably the best out of the 70 students I have, and then by a good margin. I have no criticism of this paper at all. It certainly differs from the first even though the ‘focus’ remains the same. This one was less technical and I did not feel like a complete dunce as I read it. Again, you do great work. Are you going into the eye game? You have an attention to detail that is marvellous to behold. Alright, enough of the praise. Glad I lucked out and had you in the class Take care.”