One Rainy Night

With anticipation absolutely killing me, I paced circles from the huge front windows to the door with the sunlight streaming through the panes on either side and back. I anxiously talked to Katelyn while I waited and stressed and paced, but ended up hanging up the phone because my nerves were making it hard to carry on any semblance of a conversation. When I saw the vehicle pull up outside, I nearly exploded with pent-up energy and butterflies, and quickly grabbed the phone again so that when I opened the door, it looked like I was important and popular and was constantly barraged with phone calls. My goal was to impress, and in my teenage mind, zinging with hormones and excitement, that was the best way to go about it. Opening the door, he stood there with a goofy grin on his face, overwhelming me with his instant charisma and towering height. That moment, looking into his blue eyes, was the first of a few times that night where I fell hard.

I quickly gave him the tour, fidgeting and as wound up as a new violin, before we proceeded to walk down from my house to the shop so he could buy a new skateboard. I was enamoured by his humour and our similar tastes in actors and movies. Walking along the loading-dock side of Chinook Mall, we discussed Adam Sandler and how his friends often told him they saw resemblances in his jokes and mannerisms. It was one of the few times in my life when I was paradoxically so eager to talk and share and laugh, and so shy and in awe that I was speechless.

After the purchase and the walk back to my house, he decided to try out his new board, and I happily sat on the small curve of grass outside my house to watch him rip up and down the road, showing off as any seventeen year old boy would in that situation. He urged me to try it, but I wanted to avoid making a fool of myself as much as possible. His coaxing eventually broke my veneer of strength, and I stood wobbly-kneed on the board and inched down the sidewalk, gaining momentum at a pace far too fast for my liking. I ended up falling forward onto my elbow and hand, but it was my ego that was bruised the most. I felt like crawling under a rock and dying, after looking like such a noob in front of him. He helped me up and brushed me off, feeling terrible for not catching me. I have not been on a skateboard since that day.

I cleaned myself up inside, and guzzled half a litre of cranberry juice, trying to distract myself from how awkward I felt now that I looked so foolish. He calmed me down, and we ventured to the basement to watch “The Brave Little Toaster” while sitting on the squashy beige and green-accented futon. We were wrapped in a blanket that my mom had for years, a needlepoint of a big teddy bear, and the warmth between us was electrifying.

That night, with my sister “babysitting” us from across the room, I got my first kiss. That sealed it. I have never felt such tentativeness, tenderness… we snuggled closer and smiled like co-conspirators at each other, going in again and again for the soft brush of lips. Playing it cool in between, I was dazzled by his elegantly long fingers, so much longer than my own dwarf-sized hands. When he went home, the sweater I was wearing while with him, that still smelt like his cologne, was draped across my pillow and that night was one of the happiest, most fulfilled nights I have ever had.

–

The second time we met was at Chinook Mall, by the Starbucks within the Chapters at the far corner of the building. I was as nervous as ever, worrying he wouldn’t remember what I looked like, worrying I would mistake someone else for him, worrying that he wouldn’t even come… but he did, with that same smile that melts my heart to this day. We spent the day wandering through the mall hand in hand, blissfully unaware of everything but our blossoming romance, looking nowhere but at each other. With a group of mutual friends, we stood outside Spencer’s and tried to figure out how to spend the rest of the afternoon, and what movie to watch later. I wandered apart from the group and stood grasping the railing and looking down at the floor below us, watching the tops of people’s heads and just completely caught up in my own thoughts. Suddenly, his long arms engulfed from behind, encircling my waist as he held me tightly and looked down below with me. Six years later, I have never felt more secure and happy and safe than I did at that moment.

We ended up slipping away from the movie before it even began, just he and I, and walked to the little park I knew was nearby. It was night, and we laid in the field, shivering and keeping each other warm with hugs and a rain of kisses, getting closer than we expected or thought possible, and staring up at the ocean of stars twinkling brightly above us. Walking back to the mall so we could get picked up by our parents, he carried my purse because the weight of it was bothering my shoulder, and I felt so much love in that simple act, that he wasn’t like most boys with the attitude of not wanting to be caught dead holding a purse.

Outside of the Chapters, waiting for his mom, we leaned against the red brick support beam and kissed, the cold rock against my back juxtaposed with how warm I was where my body touched his while we kissed…

—

We’re wandering around downtown at twilight (which in the winter months is pretty damn early in Calgary), exhaling plumes of condensation like dragons, running inside from the cold. As we passed HMV (a music store), the song “Are you gonna be my girl?” by Jet is blasting from the speakers, and I playfully sing along and swing his arms dramatically, dancing with him in the middle of the hallway of the mall downtown. He laughed, and his eyes just shone.

Coming across a plus 15 (the indoors pedestrian walkway approximately fifteen feet above ground, connecting most of the buildings of downtown), we watched the cars whiz by beneath us through the windows, his arm around my shoulders, before he pulled me closer to him and brought his lips to mine again…

—

It’s funny what we remember from when we were younger. All of these images, and so many more, memories stored permanently within my heart, they’re all there, and nothing will ever make them go away. Even when we broke up, and because I knew I had no way to move out of the city, I wished all of Calgary would burn to the ground and take my memories and thoughts and heart with it. The moments of unadulterated, pure happiness like that are so far in between for some people that I guess they just forever remain ingrained within their psyche. At least, that is my experience, six years later and still as crystal clear as if it happened six hours ago.

Sure, I have been happy in the interim between then and now. But I think we live things more vibrantly as kids, and simple moments of bliss mean more and stay with us longer, because we live more in that moment, back before bills and kids and jobs and responsibilities dull the shine of simple things in our lives. I wish I was as carefree as I was back then, as free with my emotions and my thoughts and heart, I was less guarded, more trusting, more open to being loved and giving it. Our lives seem to go from HD to rabbit-ear signal black and white vision, and how I wish it was the opposite way. Maybe it’s just my experience in life thus far, that the shine and colour seems to fade and seep away with age. The rose in my cheeks is losing its pallor with every day.

It’d be nice to have colour back one day.

Tags: Badger, Calgary, Life, Love, Past, Relationships