Feb 28
2010
(Because I often forget)
- The Exorcist
- Dances with Wolves
- The Green Mile
- A Muppet’s Christmas Carol
- Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift
- Blades of Glory
- Zoolander
- Something’s Gotta Give
- Step Brothers
Tags: Just me, Random thoughts
Feb 28
2010
Feb 27
2010
But one that I cannot seem to get past.
What am I going to do? I need to find a place of my own, though I obviously cannot afford a mortgage on a place by myself but I don’t want to just rent a room somewhere in a house filled with strangers. My mom wants me to stay with her, as she is moving into a much larger house that will be finished construction in June, but not only would I feel like a bum, being 20 and living at my mom’s house for however long, but even if I did, it’s not like I would have the freedom that I need. I wouldn’t be able to bring boyfriends over and have them stay for a few days. I wouldn’t be able to have crazy parties that end in alcohol-induced stupors (not that I do, but if I wanted to…) It’s just like…. no matter how old I get, I will perpetually be fifteen, living under my mom’s rule and going no where in life.
I am on hiatus at University because I don’t know what direction I want my life to take, and I feel like a failure for that alone. Hiatus from school, living on my mom’s couch in the basement, no improvement in the forseeable future… what the hell am I doing? I feel like I gave up everything because it just wasn’t working out, but now it’s even worse. I am alone, I am going nowhere fast, and I am just… nothing. I feel like I have burnt out already, and I am not even twenty one years old. I don’t have the will to try to figure things out, because in the end, I’ll just end up back here where I am now.
And I’m sure that this is at least partially the depression talking, but come on…
I can’t be the one to try to hold things together anymore. I can’t be the one trying to excel at work (in vain, might I add) and the one trying to keep my mom and sister from being at each other’s throats and I can’t be the one trying to keep my uncle’s head above water, I can’t. Because I am struggling just to keep myself from drowning myself in vodka for the next few years of my life.
I don’t know what I need. But… I need something.
Feb 27
2010
Remember when I took you
up to the top of the hill?
We had our knives drawn.
They were as sharp
as we were in love.
If god crossed us
we’d take all his drugs,
burn his money
and his house down,
and wait for the fire to spread.
Sometimes hate is not enough
to turn this all to ashes.
Together as one
against all others,
break all of their wings to
make sure it crashes
We’re running to the
edge of the world
Running, running away
We’re running to the edge of the world
I don’t know if the world will end today.
I had no choice,
I erased the debt of our family,
let you say goodbye
with lips like dynamite.
And everyone
turned their backs
because they knew
when we held on tight
to each other,
we were something fatal,
that fell into the wrong hands.
Sometimes hate is not enough
to turn this all to ashes.
Together as one
against all others
break all of their wings to
make sure it crashes
We’re running to the
edge of the world
Running, running away
We’re running to the edge of the world
I don’t know if the world will end today
We don´t see death, we see destruction
See a new beginning rise behind the sun
We can´t never catch up to them as fast as we run…
Tags: Song lyrics
Feb 27
2010
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So.. please comment and give me something to do on here other than rant endlessly or delete spam messages.
<3
Tags: To my readers
Feb 27
2010
I hate phones! “This number is a long distance number. Please hang up, and try your call again. Don’t forget the 1, you sorry piece of crap.” Or… “The number you have dialed is not long distance, so to waste your time, try again, without the 1. Not that it matters to us in the long run, we just like to annoy the hell out of you.”
It never used to matter if I pressed 1 in front of a number, even if it wasn’t long distance. The other way around never worked, but holy crap, are the phone companies ever getting picky. Just connect my call please, I don’t feel like being a raving lunatic before I even talk to the person I’m calling, especially when I hate being on the phone with people in the first place. I would much rather talk on some instant messanger. No long distance fees, no problems connecting, no dying phone, and a touch more relaxed as people cannot hear anxiety, frustration, sadness or anger in your voice on MSN like they can on the phone. I especially dislike being on the phone in a time of great personal distress. As always, writing wins for me. It gives me time to think about what I say, and I feel like I can open up more because no one can hear me physically crying or whatever I happen to be doing in such a state.
Stupid phones. Talk about a dying technology, though not fast enough for my tastes. Give me good ol’ impersonal text messaging and emails any day.
Tags: Rant
Feb 27
2010
Feels like it has been stretched on a table, sliced apart with rusty razorblades, been allowed to be pecked at by a bunch of scavenging birds, set on fire, then gently placed back inside of me.
Cliffs Notes: My stomach is killing me, and has been for longer than three days now.
Hooray.
Tags: Rant
Feb 27
2010
Is so frustrating! Not only do I average less than three hours of fitful sleep a night, even with work the next day, but when I am antsy and wide awake at three in the morning, there is never anyone to talk to. And as much as I ramble on here, I don’t want it to be like a GD Twitter account.
I am pacing back and forth both in my head and literally, filled with pent-up energy, frustration, and angst. What do I do with my life? What do I do with the people in my life? How do I get rid of those I don’t want in it anymore, how do I get over the ones so recently displaced, how do I strengthen my bond with the ones that I do need in my life..? I have tried reaching out to an old friend who has most likely changed email addresses so he will never get the email I sent him. He also no longer has Facebook, apparently. I just wanted to reach out and say that I’m sorry for how our friendship ended back then, and take full blame. He was the only other person who knew what happened that night, February 12th, 2006. This is the age of the internet. It shouldn’t be this hard to contact someone. Unless he just doesn’t want to talk to me, which I would also understand. It’s just agonizing wondering if my email was ever received in the first place, or if it was just ignored… bah!
I feel like my entire life is on hold right now, like I am taking a brief intermission before returning to our regular programming. And I’m sure I am just reiterating an old post. Sigh. I just need to pull myself out of this rut. Maybe I need to move somewhere and get away from everything here. I need to shake the wreckage from my hair, brush off the dust from centuries past, and figure myself the hell out.
It’s just hard with all the bullshit in the way. How do I make it so that there are no distractions? No LIFE distractions? How am I going to figure out my future if my past is still pulling me back, and my present is stuck on pause? How do I escape?
It’s true.
I hate days off like this, all I do is let my mind wander, it it never happens upon some fun, happy place. It always reminds me what I have lost, how I haven’t done half of the things I want to do in my life, and I am not going anywhere in life.
It’s just fucking depressing.
Feb 27
2010
Loneliness.
I knew it would be like this before it began. It’s just so difficult lately. I knew… but I didn’t know it would still be so damn hard.
Tags: Emo, Future, Loneliness
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