I hope you brought your umbrella
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For the past few weeks, I have been riddled with anxiety and stress. A lot of it had to do with my impending trip to India, but I have recently realized, it also had a lot to do with a certain influence in my life.

Since January, I have been nursing feelings for Guinness. Feelings of desire, lust, hope, all of it. I wanted him for my own for five months. He has been saying for months that he has wanted to break up with her, and even last week, he told me that he wished he never got back together with her. For once, I thought that meant he wanted to be with me. He kissed me, he has been sending explicit text messages, and he said all the right things. When I asked him where we were headed, he said “I’ll put it to you this way. I was pretty sure I was gonna break up with her, now I’m 50/50 and have zero plans to lead anyone on. Basically, what we’ve been doing is fun, but if you’re banking on something more soon, it’s not realistic at tis point. I don’t think you can blame me for that thought process…” I asked him if I was ever a consideration for him, or if I was making that all up in my head. He replied “Well, the term ‘girlfriend’ did not play a role.”

Being told that what has been happening was just “fun” really hurt. It was really upsetting to be told so blatantly that I was being used for purely sexual reasons, and that he had no feelings for me the way I did for him. Fuck. He never bothered to hear my side of things, find out what my feelings were, nothing. I ended up nearly crying on the phone, telling him not to worry about it. I wanted to spare his feelings, though for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. I guess I just wanted to preserve our friendship, and not push him away like I did with Carbis. I was kicking myself, because if I had just kept my stupid mouth shut, it would have been just fine and we would have kept floating along pleasantly. (It’s like deja vu, seriously. I kicked myself for asking Carbis where we were headed, because the same thing happened.) Since then, I have been walking on egg shells talking to him, desperately trying to figure out a way to convince him not to be weird and to make things go back to the way they were before.

Tonight, I had a conversation with an old friend, as well as with HBan and Brain. It gave me a lot of perspective, and HBan is great at getting the point across as plainly as she can. Brain told me not to bring Guinness around, and HBan told me that I should cut off contact with him. I lamented that I scared him away, and she said “No, you didn’t. You didn’t scare him away, because he was never yours. He was never really there.” We discussed how I had met with an old friend Rick (Badger’s sister’s husband) earlier in the evening, and how he told me that if I ever needed anything, if I had no one to turn to or even if I just wanted to talk, he was there for me. HBan said “For someone who isn’t family, and who isn’t a best friend that you see every day, it’s amazing for him to offer that. He obviously really cares for you. You have surrounded yourself with people who love you deeply, and who aren’t going anywhere. It’s okay if you don’t have Guinness in your life anymore, because we are all here, we all love you and we aren’t going anywhere.” It was amazing to hear. She’s right. I have phenomenal people in my life, yet I work so hard at trying to keep the ones that treat me like shit. What backward thinking! Thank you, HBan, for making me realize that my energies should be going to letting the people in my life know how much I appreciate them, rather than hurting my heart desperately trying to keep poisonous people on the fringes.

My problem is that the more someone I like pushes me away, the more I want to fix the problem and make them like me back. I love the thrill of the chase, but I don’t like being chased back. The challenge keeps me interested, leaves me wanting more. I can’t stand the nice guys that treat me well, I want the ones that treat me like shit. My bad. I concede that I am making poor choices, and my new goal is to focus more on those I love and love me back, rather than those who only want to have their cake and eat it too.

Ashley @ 4:47 AM

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