I hope you brought your umbrella
Filed under: Uncategorized

Well. Since the last post I wrote about wishing that I hadn’t have woken up after my birthday, not much has changed. I took it a step further a couple weeks ago and actually attempted suicide. I swallowed between 70-100 extra strength Tylenol. I cleared my browser history, my bookmarks, and anything else I didn’t want anyone else seeing. I put Dan Mangan on repeat. I wrote a letter telling my friends and family that I love them. I texted a few of them too. Not saying “Goodbye cruel world” or anything dramatic like that, just that I loved them. It isn’t unusual for me to say that, as I tell at least four of my closest friends that I love them. But somehow Holly knew something was off. She delved into why I sent that, and what was going on. When I just wanted to lay in my bed and wait for liver failure, I started freaking out about what would happen if I ended up vomiting some of the pills. If that happened, what if there weren’t enough in my system to kill me? What if I just made major liver failure, then had to go through life without one? I’m fairly certain that suicide attempts don’t get someone on the donor list if they mess up their organs. So I broke down and told Holly what I had done, and that I was scared. She called an ambulance, and I was taken to the hospital. She met me there.

So, what led up to this event? It’s actually laughable. It’s the same thing that led to the last two serious suicide attempts, to countless self-inflicted cuts and for days of absolute mental anguish. Just a fight with a guy I’m in love with. Just the overwhelming, choking, drowning fear of abandonment. Just what my BPD has overblown for years. I found out that the only guy I’ve ever shown my true, full self to, the good and the bad, was cheating on me. Most people would look at that as poorly reflecting on the cheater. Not me. Nope. I turned that all inward. It’s my fault. I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t funny enough. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t Christian enough (at all) or Egyptian enough or extroverted enough to keep him interested. I just was. not. enough.

Ashley @ 2:58 AM

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