I hope you brought your umbrella
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So… After writing that short entry last night, and crying what felt like a sea of tears, I really thought about what I wanted, and tried to find a way to finally move on. I’m a tree draped in Spanish moss, but I’m the one clinging on to what is slowly killing me. Despite knowing that this is the relationship, I can never seem to let go. Every single time we fight and he tells me he doesn’t want me, we stop talking for a few days, then one of us caves. Generally me. I begin to worry that no one else will understand me like he does. I’ll never find someone that I can be completely myself around. I’ll never have such a close sexual relationship. But maybe… I can find someone who makes me a priority. Who doesn’t leave me desperately insecure with the relationship, and by extension, myself. Someone who will bring me to meet his parents, who won’t shy away from titles or dates that are deemed “too romantic” or from holding my hand in public. Who will bring me around his friends, and who I can bring around mine. Someone who I don’t have to hide from the people I love, because they (rightfully) despise him. Someone who will be mine, not everyone else’s first. Someone who won’t feed into my insecurities, but instead will build me up and help me realize I have nothing to worry about. That sounds like a far better option.

The other day, we were on the topic of regrets. He said he has none, because everything he chooses and has done has shaped who he is today. I asked if he regretted hurting people around him, or if he passed it off to predetermination because of past choices. He replied that he just doesn’t hurt people, it’s that easy. When I pointed out that he has hurt me, and asked if he regretted that, he said no. That was a slap in the face. Before that conversation, I could pass his actions off as something he didn’t realize affected me the way it is. Just plain ignorance. I was wrong. He knows when he hurts me, and I tell him each time he does it. Yet he isn’t fazed by it. I can’t wrap my head around not feeling any emotions at all when you hurt someone you say you care about. A total lack of empathy is alarming, but it sent up a red flag that I had to explore further.

When I Googled “lack of empathy,” the first thing that came up is narcissistic personality disorder. P.L.F.B. has often mentioned her armchair diagnosis of this and sociopathic tendencies, and it finally clicked when I took the time to read about narcissism. I have been feeding his ego, as Bitsy has always said, no wonder he wanted me around when it best suited him. I won’t go further into this, as obviously I cannot diagnose him and don’t want to tie him to the stake for his past actions. What I will say is that it takes a damaged person to do what he has done to me repeatedly, especially since he knows exactly what to say and do to push me off the deep end. Of course, it also takes a damaged person to allow it to happen over and over again for over two years. In a PsychologyToday article, it says “Lack of empathy is one of the most striking features of people with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s a hallmark of the disorder in the same way that fear of abandonment is in borderline personality disorder.” Isn’t it funny to see both things laid out so plainly? My diagnosed disorder and his potential disorder just hanging out side by side in those two sentences. The deck of the article says “Don’t expect them to listen, validate, or support you.” Haha. Why didn’t someone tell me this years ago? I just thought that if I worked hard enough at proving how much I loved him, he would realize I was worthwhile and would do these things for me. So naive. My thought process was that by fighting to keep him at my side, it would show him how serious I am, how much I want him, and he’d naturally want to stay. Who would walk away from someone desperately throwing themselves at you? Well, probably many people. It’s the plight of the borderline person to desperately ask them to stay (those pesky abandonment issues), and it’s the ego of the narcissist that gets fed when it happens. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. He gets off on my pathetic begging. When he relents, it feeds my need to not be left alone. No one wins in this scenario. Why do I keep going back to a person who knows how to bring me to my knees in despair, and does it whenever he feels like it?

Sooo. What is the big breakthrough? The realization that has taken a load off of my shoulders? First, I had to pinpoint what I was clinging to. I realized the image of J I had in my head is a version of him that no longer exists. When I picture him, I imagine him returning from Australia, surprising me, spending his first night back with me. I was first in his life. The look in his eyes was one I will always, always remember. In that moment, I knew that he cared so much about me. That he felt about me what I felt about him. His eyes held every emotion I had but could not articulate. And last night, I realized that I will never see that look again. I have been waiting a year and a half for it. I’m waiting for someone who is long gone. In his place is someone different, and that’s fine. People change. Feelings do too. Now I need to change. I need to let go of the hope that things will go back to what they were that summer and that fall. I need to let go of my expectations that he will treat me the way I treat him. It’s time to let go of my perverse need for him. He doesn’t feel the way I feel, and never will. The end. By constantly getting back together with him, I am only delaying the inevitable, and causing myself more harm. So this is it. No more hurting. No more insecurity. No more feelings of insignificance, feeling that I’m not good enough and never will be. If this was love, I would never feel those emotions. I would feel secure, happy, beautiful and like more than enough. I deserve those things. I deserve happiness.

It’s time to let go.

Ashley @ 6:55 PM

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