I hope you brought your umbrella
The New Normal
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’m sad. Really, really sad. Desolate, even. After the weight of the relationship was lifted off of my shoulders with the realization I had a couple nights ago, I am left feeling drained, like my heart has been hollowed out and left to dry.

I realize I am not as over everything as I thought I was. Today I exclaimed “I don’t have to feel this way anymore! I don’t need to feel insecure and pathetic and desperate in a relationship anymore! I can be picky with who I date, and really take the time to find someone who appreciates me and cares about me.” However, I find myself still checking my phone every few minutes, hoping for a call or text seeking reconciliation. Every time we break up, I yearn to come home to find a letter from J, or a card, or any sign that he was thinking of me. This is in part because I have done it for him. I have written letters, drawn little cartoons, left cards… All so that he knew I still wanted him, that I was lost without him. If I’m being completely honest… I wanted to do it tonight. Perhaps this longing is partly due to my love of “A Streetcar Named Desire.” Having him stand outside my window, yelling “Ashleeeeeey! Hey, Ashley! Aaaaaashley!” with his anguish on his face is something I have often fantasized about. Just something, anything, to show that he still wants me as much as I want him.

I very nearly texted him when I got off of work tonight. I don’t want the last thing I said to him to be “Fuck you.” But… I also don’t want to open the floodgates. Even if I tell him to take care, to apologize for how I ended that conversation and tried to end this on a positive note, I know that I would be devastated when he ignored me, or if he responded with a goodbye instead of a “Wait… I want you to stay.” It is always how it happens. I end up feeling even lower than I did before I texted him. So I just can’t. I’ll just have to leave this as is. If he initiates conversation first, I hope I have the mental fortitude to say goodbye and let bygones be bygones. To not break down like I do every single time he walks back into my life. This is not a fairy tale, this is not Carrie and Mr. Big, this is Ashley and Jean, a tale of two lovers who were never meant to be.

And what a sad tale it is.

Ashley @ 6:08 AM

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