Aug 5
2010
I thought I walked into work today! Wrong. It’s actually a grade eight classroom.
SO frustrated today. Two more days of work, then off for nine. That is my mantra to get me through until Saturday.
Boys = ultimate frustration in a woman’s life.
Tags: Bah, Frustration
Aug 2
2010
What a weekend!
On Friday, everyone from work went out to a nice restaurant downtown to unwind after a busy surgery week, and it was a nice way to welcome the new surgeon to our roster. Straight after dinner I drove out to Arrowwood to see Badger, and the drive out there was crazy. Calgary (and surrounding area) has been having insane storms pretty frequently this summer, and I was lucky enough to drive right into one. At times, the rain was coming down so hard and steady that I had zero visibility, and was just hoping that no cars would be on the road when I was blind to the world around me. There was a magnificent rainbow right in front of me as I went though, and rainbows always make me feel a little brighter.
Upon reaching Arrowwood, the lightening was happening so swiftly and vibrantly that I called B to come sit with me in my car so we could drive to the park and watch the show that nature was putting on. It was pretty anticlimactic though, apparently just as I came into Arrowwood, it all but ceased. Oh well. We went inside and had a nice, relaxing night together.
Saturday was the day of my birthday party that I was throwing, so there was a lot to do. I went to the grocery store to pick up buns and condiments for the barbecue (having already thought ahead and getting the frozen stuff last week), and then I hit up the liquor store. But you know… I realized that sending someone who doesn’t drink (me) to the store to choose booze for a party was a bad choice. It was BYOB, but I figured that I should have at least a few cans of beer to accommodate those who didn’t think to bring their own. I also bought myself a bottle of Sour Puss, which is basically the only thing that I can stand to drink. What an overwhelming array of choices, though! And I had no idea how pricey alcohol gets. Of course I know that there are thousand dollar bottles of wine and champagne and the like (Veuve Clicquot being a favourite of celebrities, right?) but “real” alcohol, the 40-proof stuff gets way up there too.
I pick up M from her house (after getting thoroughly lost, that will teach me to trust her meandering directions over opting for my GPS!), and bring her over to start preparing things for the barbecue at the lake in my community. B and M are introduced here, and get along swimmingly. And huzzah for me, they are both sarcastic assholes like I am, that’s why I love them both so much! (Except when they are making certain remarks about my parking or driving… haha.)
The three of us head to the lake and set up at the little picnic table hut that was reserved for us. It was kind of overcast outside, with the slightest tinge of a chill, so going in the water was something that we attempted, but ultimately decided to forego. Before stepping foot in the huge lake though, B and I kicked sand at each other and he came over and picked me up, Hollywood-lover style, which had me all starry-eyed, until he quickly turned towards the lake. Realizing his intent to throw me in, I start bucking wildly to escape his grasp (and the subsequent soaking that would ensue.) He is so damn lucky that I managed to drop to the sand right in time.
Nic and her fiancée L came to spend the afternoon with us, bringing such essentials as plates and cups. L manned the barbecue and we had a nice lunch, then we went out on a four-person paddleboat, Nic sitting on the hump of the boat playing “captain.” The bugs on the lake were monsters. Giant, Jurassic Park-style beasts that fly. It was horrible, and that paddleboat, even with four people working as hard as they could, was no match for their ferocity. Yuck!
When we finished up at the lake, then Nic and L got into their car and followed my car to the house where the party would be continuing. We were driving down a big highway when all of a sudden, lights are flashing and Nic and L are being pulled over. I was so confused, they weren’t speeding, they weren’t driving erratically… I had no idea what was going on and why they were pulled over. The only thing I could think of was that the headlights weren’t on, but it was midday and mine weren’t on either, so I didn’t think that was it. I quickly pulled onto the shoulder where there was a little section to fit a car. I text her and ask what happened, and find out that their registration expired and they had to park the car until Tuesday, when the registration offices opened again. (Monday is a holiday here, so they have no way to get around for the long-weekend.) To add insult to injury, they also got a $200 ticket. Bah!
Throughout the day, text messages kept arriving saying that people had this and that reason to not come, after saying they would. That is my ultimate frustration, people saying that they are definitely coming to something, then skipping out last minute. However, at least they TOLD me. There were a few that didn’t say a damn thing, they just didn’t show up. Not only is it disappointing, it pissed me off to just have no-shows. If you aren’t coming, at least have the decency to let me know. It’s not a hard concept to understand. Whatever. Some people are just inconsiderate, I guess. The people that did come were awesome, and we had a fantastic time.
I actually played my first drinking game ever. Everyone else but one guest was drinking beer, and I had a big glass filled with straight Sour Puss. Suffice it to say, I got pretty tipsy. I wasn’t full-out drunk, because after a bunch big gulps, I got sick of doing the shuddery-scrunch face that resulted after each sip, and I started to feel sick. I didn’t want to be wasted and projectile-vomiting all over the place, so I took it easy and let it stop and just-about-drunk. Most everyone left, so the remaining bunch of us made a midnight run for drunken-munchies at the 24-hour grocery store down the block. It was an odd feeling for me, since it was the same street that I used to live with A, the same Sobey’s, everything but ME was the same. It was a strange feeling. The hardest part of being there was walking the same paths I took with Sadie. I put those thoughts out of my head, kept my chin up and enjoyed myself. I have discovered that when drunk, some people get weird cravings. I stuck to a simple salad of lettuce, but they bought cheese buns with pepperoni-sticks inside of them, crullers, candy and sandwiches. Haha. The salad was wonderful, being tipsy makes for a good meal of lettuce and dressing.
We then put in “Paranormal Activity,” which thoroughly freaked out Badger and the other party guest who stuck it out until the end. They were too freaked out to sleep, and I was tired and in a pleasant mood. Thanks for that choice, M! Babysitting was not what I had in mind that night after you left 
On Sunday, I drove Badger back home, and brought my camera along for the ride. Along the way to his place there are a bunch of dilapidated farmhouses that are falling apart and no longer in use, and I have always wanted to stop and photograph them with my wide-angle lens. B was patient enough to do that with me, which was really enjoyable. We found some beautiful rocks along the train tracks beside old grain elevators that were no longer in use, and it was a really relaxing way to spend a few hours in the sunshine outside. The bugs were plentiful though, which put a slight damper on things.
On the agenda for this week? Well, I work today (Monday,) so nothing exciting today. Tomorrow is my birthday, so I took it off from work. No plans, I just didn’t want to spend my 21st birthday in the clinic. Apparently one of the detailing-places in Calgary does a free car-cleaning on a person’s birthday, so that’s what I’ll be hitting up tomorrow! Hooray for clean cars. The only other thing worth mentioning this week is a meeting I have with my newest employer/venture. I will be writing posts and doing product reviews and copyrighting projects for a local designer, which I am really excited about. Wish me luck with that!
I leave for Halifax in eight days, so I also really need to get some more concrete ideas about what I’m going to do with myself while I’m there. Things at home have been kind of rough lately, so I’m glad to be getting away from all the crap here and relaxing.
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
XOXO
Tags: Badger, Bah, Calgary, Friends, Frustration, Just me, Life
Jul 28
2010
Quarter after twelve in the morning, up in six hours, and too frustrated to sleep. There isn’t even one or two things in particular keeping me up. It’s a culmination of being over-tired because my insomnia has been kicking my ass lately, feeling frustrated at life in general, and feeling particularly ornery because of the damn heat. So I’m just going to list off a list of what is bothering me tonight, in no order, and not relaying the degree to which one is causing me to feel like this tonight. (Antsy, anxious and pissed off, in case you were wondering.)
– It’s upsetting that I keep making little discoveries of things that I don’t want to see or have in my possession anymore. This past weekend, it was gifts that A had made me and pictures of the two of us and things like that, things that have been in storage for months and I completely forgot about. The other night I couldn’t sleep because of how hot it was, so I went out for a drive to get one of my favourite bottles of iced tea, though the nearest location that sells that one particular kind was pretty damn far. I had nothing else to do so I made the trip, then remembered the stuff I had to return to A so I did that on the same trip, and even though I slipped it under his door and didn’t actually have to see him, just talking was difficult enough for me. But I was done with it, I thought I had finally swept off the final remnants of that and could be over with the awkward exchanging of things. However, tonight while I was clearing out document holder with a bunch of my important papers in it, I found more pictures I have to give back, and it’s frustrating because I worry that now it looks like I’m just finding “convenient” excuses to meet with him or whatever, which is not the case at all. I went to great lengths to avoid face-to-face contact the other night, declined an invitation to go out to eat, because the last time it happened was so damn hard on me. And I have to do the whole “I have stuff of yours, haha, I keep popping up, don’t I? Isn’t that great?” bit, and it sucks. I thought I had done a clean sweep of everything, but I keep finding new things. If I hadn’t already told him to expect an envelope of stuff waiting for him tomorrow, I would do a thorough re-check of everything, just to make sure that was all of it, but I was too prompt and I will be kicking myself if I end up finding anything else.
– I instantly go cold and detached inside when I hear the flick-flick of the lighter, the inhale, the exhale. Even hearing it through the phone does something to me, and I hate it. Especially after talking about my grandfather just the other day, and how horrible and difficult it was for everyone in my family when he died of severe lung cancer caused by his habit.
- As always, one of my biggest issues that affects my mood is how I take my reflection that day. That sounds weird, but it’s how I feel. If I take my image as “Decent, not horrible right this minute”, things are a lot easier to cope with. For the most part, and a lot lately, it’s “Fucking gross, stop looking at the god damn mirror.” I know, I know, bitch bitch bitch, but it’s constantly on my mind and affecting my thoughts and mood.
- I wish there could be just one day that I could say exactly what is on my mind, to everyone about everything, and have no fear of repercussion. I could finally get off my chest what has been bothering for a long time but know that saying out loud would be the worst possible thing to do for everyone else, and my situation. Please tell me that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
- I’m frustrated because things have stalled, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to kick-start them back into motion. I hate the lack of momentum.
- My lack of a future scares the shit out of me.
- Sleep would be so fantastic right now, but it just won’t happen. Now what? I don’t know. Spider-solitaire or Mah Jong, I guess.
– I really wish I could reconnect with a few people from my past, but have no certain way of going about it, and I vaguely remember trying to do it once with each of these people, but nothing ever resulted from it. I should leave well enough alone, and I will… I just wish I didn’t have to.
- I don’t know if anyone even reads my incoherent ramblings anymore.
- I’m not ready to turn 21 in a week… it’s not enough time. Things are going by so fast, but so slow… I wish I could fast forward to real adulthood so I knew what would come of me, and what to expect, but I’m terrified of being a bona fide adult with real problems, unlike these I speak of here.
- I would really love some ice cream… Sigh.
Tags: Bah, Fears, Future, Just me, Life, Random thoughts, Rant
Jul 24
2010
Okay, so pretty much the entire world knows that Lindsay Lohan is in jail for probation violation (I love that that rhymes, it’s like something out of that “School House Rock” show), from her 2007 arrest for being in possesion of cocaine and driving under the influence. She was briefly in jail back in the day (and when I say briefly, it was literally brief. A total of 84 minutes, the poor girl.) She missed her mandatory alcohol classes, and the judge didn’t feel that Lindsay was taking her probation seriously.
For once, a judge actually went “hard” on a celebrity and actually enforced the law, sentancing her to ninety days in jail, then ninety days in a rehab facility. Lohan is expected to only be jailed for about 23 days, but that counts for something. At least it will give her a break from her rambling Tweets and rampant partying for a few weeks. She can give her liver a much-needed rest.
I’m glad that she was actually made to go to jail, because even if it doesn’t change a damn thing about her attitude or outlook on life, even if she doesn’t take one full minute to sit down and contemplate why she is where she is, and where her life is headed if she doesn’t smarten the hell up soon, she has finally been forced to suffer (shortened) consequences for her actions.
I’m irritated though, because I read a few different gossip blogs and they’re all squaking about how much they care for Lindsay and want her to get better. I call bull shit. First of all, this random celebrity does not know these bloggers, she doesn’t give a damn about them (other than perhaps appreciating any good press thrown her way,) and these bloggers know nothing about who she really is, how she acts, how she treats people in day to day life… If the bloggers said that they felt sympathy for her as a person, and had compassion for her because she is a human like the rest of us, fine. But for people who don’t know her to say that they don’t want her to “die” and want her to get “better,” why? I’m pretty sure that most larger blogs pull in at least a decent amount of money from readers, and if the only posts on there are about trivial, boring things like Lindsay getting her hair done a different shade, people will be bound to stop reading because they DON’T CARE about that stuff. People want to see celebrities fall from their pedestals, prove that they are mere mortals just like the rest of us, so we can feel slightly better about our own mundane, fame-free lives. The reason that newspapers print horror stories and the news has gory images is because it keeps people watching, it sells papers, it has people interested. Honestly, would you read a magazine filled with fluff about kittens and rainbows? No. Reality is cruel, horrible things happen, and I think most people want to be informed of these things.
So sure, I’ll admit that I don’t want Lindsay to die, but not for the same reason that these other bloggers are crying about. I feel for her because she is a person with an obvious addiction seen by the world, and really don’t wish death upon anyone, but it’s not like her death would have any effect on me or my life, or your life, or the life of that blogger. Maybe I sound callous, but so be it. Celebrities are such a conundrum, because on one hand, they don’t seem quite real, like they’re untouchable, intangible holograms that we can look at but don’t really exist on any plane of our understanding, but on the other hand, they are in fact still real people, with real feelings and thoughts and personalities and lives. A celebrity who dies (or goes to jail, or gives birth,) is just better fodder for news than any “normal” person is, so people form unrealistic attachments to these pictures and movies. It’s weird.
I care deeply about my friends and family, and would be truly devastated if I ever lost one of them, because it would have a true, real impact on my life. But let’s face it. If Lindsay Lohan or Brad Pitt or George Foreman died, we might feel a twinge of sadness for the loss of life, but then our lives would keep on going, pretty much completely undistrupted.
When Michael Jackson died, people were crying in the streets and holding massive memorials and some even formed cults to commit suicide to join him (I can’t remember where I read that, but it was out there.) Come on. Sure, he entertained millions of people for years, but his death has no direct relevance to their lives at all. If Dallas Green died, I would be sad over the loss of a human life (regardless of his celebrity status,) I would mourn for the world’s loss of a wonderful singer and writer, but I’m not going to pretend that his death would have any real effect on me, unlike people who actually knew him and loved him in “real life.”
I just don’t undestand people’s attachments to celebrities, I guess. We see them on our televisions, or listen to them on our radios, and suddenly people think that they know them and deserve to feel every bit of the celebrities life like a close and personal friend. No. You don’t know them, you know their television persona, you know what happens in the news, but you truthfully do not know them as a person in your life. The majority of them promote a fallacy that just isn’t true to reality.
Am I making sense? I know I’m rambling. I just don’t understand human nature sometimes. People care more for celebrities than they do for their neighbours or extended-family members.
Alright, now on to the Mel Gibson mayhem going on. Obviously, the horrible things that he was recorded saying to his girlfriend were atrocious, and no one deserves to be verbally abused like that. And of course, he does have a history with saying ridiculous things (calling a police officer “Sugar-tits,” for one thing,) and racist slurs, so things really aren’t looking too good for him at the moment. People went nuts over Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch, professing his love for Katie Holmes (which I thought was eccentrically sweet, in an odd way,) and his furor over Scientology and bitching about Brooke Shields’ use of a psychologist to help with her post-partum depression, and his star-status has kind of taken a hit ever since. Mel Gibson (so far) just seems to be the crazy, drunken mess on the sidewalk downtown spewing hatred and calling for repentance to save our souls from eternal hell-fires, but I think things are slowly getting to the point where people are concerned about his obvious drinking problem that has resurfaced. However, I think that people seem to be turning a blind eye to his girlfriend, and how conniving she was to record him like that, and leak it to the media in what some people are starting to think was an extortion attempt. This lady seems a little nuts too, so I think that we should be wary of her motives throughout all of this. If you have listened to the audio recordings, you can see that she is baiting him, just hoping that he says something she can use against him in court to get more money.
Sometimes, I think the world would be nice if we forgot about celebrities for a bit, and stopped paying so much damned attention to every minute detail of their lives.
Tags: Bah, Human Idiocy, Monologue, Random thoughts, Rant, Whole lotta crazy
May 19
2010
And I just saw a tumbleweed blow across it. I guess I will have to take matters in to my own hands, but I am missing the high levels of communication with Mr. Lover-of-Snow and the wonderful Frankie, to name a few.
All I get in my work inbox anymore is boring ol’ work emails! That’s no fun at all. -_-
Tags: Bah
May 11
2010
I see pictures of all of these beautiful greyhounds, and I miss Sadie so much… I want a dog so badly 
And just look at these beautiful, hand-made urns. One day, I will have a greyhound or four, and when their time comes to go to the rainbow bridge, I will have them created and put in one of these beautiful memorial urns.
http://www.etsy.com/shop/greyhoundart
Tags: Bah
Rocket-science? Brain surgery? Corneal transplants? (Actually, I don’t know how easy or difficult those are, but I don’t imagine they are all that simple…
ARGH! What a pain in the ass. I am trying to get my health care card updated so that it has my proper last name on it. The confusion that usually ensues when I try to book doctors appointments or pick up prescriptions or basically anything that involves using this card would decrease significantly with a simple name change.
The last name on the card is not my legal last name, and I haven’t used that as my last name for years. All I want to do is have my health care card not only have my legitimate name, but I want to update it so that I can make sure that when I die, they know that I want to be an organ and tissue donor. However, this (what I thought would be simple) process is apparently extremely complicated to do.
I called the number I needed to call in order to change my card, and jumped through a bunch of loopholes just to get redirected to an actual person to help me. I had to verify I was indeed who I was saying that I was, because none of the addresses that I was giving the guy was what was on file. He was like “Is there anyone else that the account could be under, other than you or your mother?” And I was like …uh… then I figured that perhaps it was under my sister’s father’s account. Go figure, it was. I don’t remember his address or phone number or any of that stuff, and because the registry doesn’t have my legal last name on any of their files, I have to go in to the registry office to do it. I have to somehow get my birth certificate, because my SIN and driver’s license apparently isn’t enough proof of my identity. Maybe my passport will work? Hm…
And the kicker of the situation is that Cy is the account that mine is under, and I can’t change that unless I want to screw up all of my insurance stuff and have to start paying boatloads for medication and doctor’s visits and stuff. So, because I can’t switch the… owner? Dominator? of my account, it will remain under him and my new card will be mailed to him. Ugh. I guess I have no choice, but I am very uneasy about him having such an important piece of my identification. Best case scenerio is that it is mailed to him, he gives it to my sister and she brings it back to me. However, she has the annoying tendancy to lose really important things, so the thought of her having my health care card also worries me.
What a ridiculous process. Just send me my card, to MY address that I am LIVING at, and that’s that. Why does all of this red tape have to be everywhere and complicate things way more than necessary?
/headdesk. I dread getting married and doing this all over again with EVERYTHING.
Tags: Bah, Frustration
May 3
2010
Eek, no updates in two days? Horrible! 
Miss me?
I’m here, alive and well. This weekend has been busy, in between sleeping in until around three both days. (And man, it was wonderful. Five days in a row of work this week, which I know is actually just.. what normal people do on a regular basis, but I haven’t done it in literally a quarter of a year, so it completely wore me out. I better get used to it! I have fixed my schedule so that now I work the same shifts on a week A/week B basis. Week A: Monday 10-7, Tuesday 8:30-5, off on Wednesday and Thursday, Friday and Saturday 8:30-5. Week B: Monday 10-7, Tuesday through Friday 8:30-5 and off on the weekend.)
Anyway, after work on Friday, I went out to dinner with Badger and his family, and watched pretty much all of them win a couple hundred dollars at the casino. I’m boring and don’t gamble, as I feel that it is a waste of money. I mean, I’m the person who used a five dollar bill and cashed out at $3.40. I just don’t like spending money on something that isn’t a sure thing. And obviously people win it back and more sometimes (B’s family proved that) but I just prefer spending my money on something tangible. So, after a few hours with them, I met my uncles and aunts at a different casino (that night had been 50% of my casino experience in my entire life, literally) to do some karaoke. It was really nice spending those few hours with B though, it has been a long time since we last saw each other.
When I showed up at the karaoke lounge, my family was already drunk, as was everyone else there. And, of course, I was the youngest one in the damn place. I guess kids my age really don’t go OUT for karaoke anymore. Rock Band in the basement is so much easier. Seriously, the songs that were sang were all country, all horrible, and all songs I have never heard before. Except, are you ready for this? THAT’S AMORE. Who the hell sings that song at karaoke!? It was so random. At least my family same songs from the past two decades. I sang “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, and when I went up, I was actually nicely buzzed but still nervous as hell. My knee would not stop quivering, which I think people in the front noticed. But I did get calls of “Encore, encore!” and the like, so I guess I wasn’t too terrible. I also had my first “Porn Star,” which is Blue Curacao and Sourpuss. It was pretty good! That night was actually the first time I felt an actual pleasant feeling from drinking. I wasn’t drunk, but felt the effects of the alcohol and it just made me happy. It was a strange experience, because usually I just don’t drink, or never drink enough to feel anything, or I am really really drunk. This was a nice, normal feeling.
So Saturday, as I said, I slept until about three thirty, then started to get ready for the Tom Green stand-up show I was going to see later on. I was doing this preparation at my uncle’s new place, which, haha, is right across the street from A’s condo. So I was completely on edge and just wanted to get the hell out of there. I am not comfortable in that neighbourhood and it was really hard to be so close to those memories. I have been thinking a lot about my feelings about A lately. I have come to the conclusion that the relationship and its horrible ending and everything is like a very deep cut in my heart, that is slowly starting to heal. It’s fine and mostly bearable usually, and sometimes I can even go for a complete hour without having one negative thought about anything. It’s just when something rubs against the cut, like being in Bridlewood (where we lived) or I run into an email in my outbox that was to him or something like that, when it hurts and it rips open again for a little bit. It will continue to heal, and each time something touches the cut in a bad way it will hurt, but I am hoping that slowly, it will start to hurt less, until it will just be an old sting in the scar on my heart.
When my uncle and I finally left his place, we picked up some dinner and met up with the people from my office that we were going to the show with. I was expecting a few opening acts like what had happened for Debra DiGiovani a few weeks ago, but I was wrong. Unfortunately, the only guy who “opened” for Tom Green was the absolute WORST guy from the last comedy show! And even worse, was the fact that he used all of the exact same jokes that he used for that show too! It was so disappointing. As for Tom Green, he was just as crazy as I thought he would be, but really… angry, and bitter too. He was still really bitter over his divorce from Drew Barrymore, which happened in 2001 (finalized in 2002.) It was quite disconcerting. And he was angry over television, and text messaging, and where humanity is headed. I wasn’t expecting the resentment he felt for the world, though I suppose I can understand. Testicular cancer probably has that effect on people. However, I was quite pleased that he threw in a few songs and jokes from his movies, including “The Salmon Song” from Road Trip. I had actually downloaded that song on either Napster or Kazaa (ya, that’s how long ago this was) and had listened to it hundreds and hundreds of times as a kid. It also amused me that after he discussed some of the particularly ridiculous parts of his movies, he would say “What the hell was I thinking?” Heh. He even did an awesome rap at the end of his set. It was an interesting night overall.
Afterwards, Chandy and I were supposed to go out dancing, but we couldn’t really figure out what to do. I was also experiencing some really major chest pains that had already been going on for about three hours, so I was starting to feel more like I should go to the hospital and less like I should be going out clubbing. So we drove to her house to drop off her car because my uncle had told her that he would take her out wherever she wanted to go. She ended up coming with my uncle and I to the casino where my family and I had done karaoke the night before, because one of my uncles won a chance to win a truck there. So we went, didn’t win the truck, but Chandy and I did get pretty damn drunk. I tried a “Sicilian Kiss” which burned a ton going down, and made me feel like there was a fire inside my stomach. I also had my first Smirnoff Ice, which was pretty tasty. We watched some completely coked-out girls dancing by the blackjack tables on their little platforms, then we actually made our way back to the karaoke lounge, where I sang some Leanne Rhimes and enjoyed myself thoroughly. We had a lot of fun together, and tonight (Sunday) the four of us went to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie.
Personally… I am having a really difficult time with a lot of things, and unfortunately, I can’t really talk about any of it. It would be too obvious to certain people as to who I am referring to, and also I am not at liberty to discuss certain details. What I can say though, is that although I was struggling last week about what I should do about a certain person out on the east coast, tonight we talked a little bit, and I was able to be honest and upfront about some things. It was a risk, to be honest, but I am glad that I stayed true to myself and how I feel about things. I guess we’ll see what happens later this month, but until then, I am comfortable with the situation.
Another thing I am struggling with is severe feelings of inadequacy, which no one and nothing can really help me with. I just need to figure out how to be okay with myself, and not worry about not being enough to keep people happy. I suppose that I can only do so much, and I will try my hardest to be a good person, but there comes a point that I give all that I have, and if it isn’t enough… so be it. I hope that is never the case, and it never gets to that point… but I need to start mentally preparing myself now for it.
Lastly, there are some family things going on that have me at a complete loss as to what to do. I hate holding information that could make or break lives. I hate being responsible to keep a secret that could have such a profound impact on so many. I have no idea what to say, or what to divulge or not to, and have so many consequences to weigh out… It will be the death of me emotionally for a while. And one of the worst parts of this situation is that it has me completely terrified of what could happen in my own relationship, in my own life… It frightens me to think how easy this stuff is for some people. I don’t think I have the emotional capacity do deal with this situation if I was the one living through it. Especially if I found out all the lies after. Sigh. I am just in such a hard place with this, for so many reasons. Ignorance is bliss. At least then I could say “I had no idea, this has all been a complete shock” if I ever get asked if I knew anything. I hope I have the strength to get through this as easily as possible.
What’s on the agenda for this week? Well, it’s a A week, so easy when it comes to work. And Badger will be out here spending a few days with me as I dog-sit for Chandy again, so I am beyond excited and happy for that. It won’t come soon enough, and it will be over way way too quickly. I’ll have to make it count. Other than that, no plans. We’ll see where the week takes me.
Alright there, over 1800 words. I hope that makes up for my weekend hiatus, sorry guys! It has been weird for me to not write at least one thing a day, it just never happens. Oh well. You know I’ll always be back, with a torrential downpour of words to share. Kind of like with this post
Tags: Bah, Drama, Family, Friends, Love, Random thoughts
Apr 19
2010
I would prefer it if I could just stop dreaming about certain people, certain things, and certain times. It’s getting frustrating.
Tags: Bah
Apr 13
2010
I love working downtown. The sights, the sounds, the craziness, the crazy people, and the hustle-and-bustle… I just thrive in it. I can go shopping on my lunch break, quickly hop on the train and make a trip to the library before going back to work, and there are tons of nice little boutiques I find nestled into quiet corners.
What I don’t love is the little cafes and convenience stores that don’t take anything but cash. Is it REALLY so expensive to put in a debit machine? You could be like the rest of the slimy stores out there that charge people per transaction (which I am fairly certain is illegal), but at least give us the option! I rarely have cash with me (it seems to disappear way too fast) and it’s so frustrating to have to leave the stuff I wanted behind, because they are too cheap to have a debit terminal hooked up. Gah!
Another thing that irks me; stores that put up signs saying “We cannot give change, sorry for any inconvenience.” First of all, there is no law prohibiting you from giving change. It’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you WON’T do it. I know that breaking five dollar bills can be irritating, but if you are situated on the c-train line, it’s just something you should have to deal with. Or bring it up with Calgary Transit, and get them to instal change machines. But have a little compassion for the guy who has a train to catch and doesn’t want to use all five dollars on the ticket that only costs $1.75. And yes, technically they can buy something cheap to break the change, but some people are on tighter budgets and can’t just drop a couple dollars here and there simply to break change.
And I know that there are homeless people and drug addicts out there, but to those stores who say “Washrooms for Paying Customer Only,” YOU SUCK! There are no public washrooms at any of the many c-train line stations, and for those of us who have small children, or small bladders, or simply the human need to just GO once in a while, it is ridiculous that they have to drop money simply to use the facilities. Again, not everyone has money to throw around just to GO TO THE BATHROOM! I have young cousins, and when I am out with them and they have to go, they have to go. I can’t wander around, vainly searching for a place to let me bring the kids in to use the potty, and I sure as hell cannot stand in line to buy a muffin simply so I can have the key to your (almost always) disgusting bathroom. It’s not like it is coated in gold and beautiful swans delicately hand you fluffy towels in the ones where you have to pay. If there were, perhaps I wouldn’t be so upset about it. (I mean, who doesn’t like pleasant swans?)
Bah.
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