Aug 7
2010

The other night, I had a good chat with a friend of mine that I have known for years, and it reminded me some things about myself that I had kind of let go to the back of my mind.

First of all, you know that I am constantly stressing about the future, my place in the world, the direction that I’m going, the direction I should be going… it’s a constant source of worry in my mind. And although that is always right there in the forefront of my mind, sometimes I forget that that stress isn’t just affecting me, it is affecting those around me.

Always in my head, I feel rushed, like I need to be in constant motion, I always need to be doing something because if I stop, there is a constant barrage of images and thoughts running through my head that if I’m not doing enough, bound for failure, you need to do something or you be left behind and will amount to nothing and you’ll constantly be trying to catch up and never make it. It’s tedious and frustrating. Therefore, always up and about, searching and trying to find something to do to keep myself distracted.

But I also realize that I am projecting this fear and stress onto those around me, which is something that I need to stop. It’s like since I don’t have enough control in my own life and I feel like everything is far out of my grasp, I try to control everything else, which makes no sense because I (obviously) have far less control over other people. I’m frustrated with myself, because now that I realize what I’m doing, I realize the extent of how unfair I am being. So… I’m sorry. You know who you are.

I’m learning and realizing that I need to figure out ways to calm myself down about the future, so that I don’t try to push the need to have a set plan in place for those around me. Because no matter what they do in their lives, regarding the present or the future, and even if their lives go in a fantastic direction, that has no bearing on my own life, and where I have the potential to go.

I know that during some of my formative years in life when I was with A, he was always incredibly driven. It amazes me to this day the determination he possessed at such a young age, and he had a way about him that if he set his mind to something, he DID it, and it worked just how he wanted it to. I was going to say that I wish I had his luck, but he made his own luck. It’s hard for me to go from being in a relationship and house that had so much determination in it, which helped keep me in track for life, to how things are now. That being said, I was incredibly stressed of complete and utter failure, and it helped with the development of my ulcer, I’m sure. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I’m such a mess.

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Jul 28
2010

Lately, I have been thinking about the “apocalypse,” or when the world will end. There have been many terrible storms lately here, inclement weather not usual for the time of the year (having to bring in fake snow in the winter to CANADA!?), things like that. And although I believe that it is due to climate _change_, not global warming (which I think the media and special-interest groups are using as a buzzword to work people up and scare them,) I don’t think that the changes in the environment are indicative of a massive, catastrophic catastrophe that will happen and wipe out everyone on earth. The world naturally goes through warming and cooling periods (over the span of thousands of years,) and people just don’t understand that. There are those who have their eyes completely blinded to reality and say “There is no ‘global-warming,’ that’s why the tomato and orange crops in Florida were horrible this year, all the snow and cold weather. Not too warm, is it?” to which I facepalm in my mind. It is such a ridiculous argument, because what the issue is (that some people have yet to realize) is _change_ to the climate, not strictly warming everywhere. Places that are usually always balmy are getting snow, places that are usually freezing have been abnormally warm, higher rates of incidence for natural disasters (though some are refuting that, and saying that they are just better documented now)… it’s real.

I think that it is a combination of a natural causes (the Earth experiencing a warming trend) and humans exacerbating the problem. Major de-forestation, mass consumption of natural products, greenhouse-gas emissions, pollution (air, soil, water), it’s all just making things worse. It’s great that now humans are finally starting to realize the impact we are having on the planet, and how massive our ecological footprint is, but it’s almost at the point where we realized this too late. Now we’re trying to backtrack a bit, and it isn’t going to happen. I’m glad that we are making a more conscious effort to watch the size of our carbon-footprint (another buzzword,) and to recycle more and take better care of the environment, but you know what a big issue is?

Overpopulation, which was the original point of this post. At the rate we’re consuming the natural resources (especially fossil fuels,) there needs to be big changes if we want to continue on our species. The accelerated pace at which the human race is expanding is scary, because we are using up the worlds fresh water (a lot is going to watering livestock, and to grow food for livestock), natural resources (trees being torn down to make room for farmland or expansion of cities), and are at greater risk of having epidemics and pandemics wipe out millions of people.

I think that every five or ten years, for an entire year, no one can have children. That way, as people die all over the world each day from whatever causes they may be, we weed out the planet a little bit each time this happens. This way, we can slow down the pace at which we are popping out children all over the place, and give the Earth a little break.

Obviously, this would be impossible to implement, and some would find it morally or fundamentally wrong, I’m sure. But the Earth needs a break… we just aren’t dying enough to compensate for the massive amount of kids being born, especially in impoverished places.

Thoughts?

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Jul 28
2010

Quarter after twelve in the morning, up in six hours, and too frustrated to sleep. There isn’t even one or two things in particular keeping me up. It’s a culmination of being over-tired because my insomnia has been kicking my ass lately, feeling frustrated at life in general, and feeling particularly ornery because of the damn heat. So I’m just going to list off a list of what is bothering me tonight, in no order, and not relaying the degree to which one is causing me to feel like this tonight. (Antsy, anxious and pissed off, in case you were wondering.)

– It’s upsetting that I keep making little discoveries of things that I don’t want to see or have in my possession anymore. This past weekend, it was gifts that A had made me and pictures of the two of us and things like that, things that have been in storage for months and I completely forgot about. The other night I couldn’t sleep because of how hot it was, so I went out for a drive to get one of my favourite bottles of iced tea, though the nearest location that sells that one particular kind was pretty damn far. I had nothing else to do so I made the trip, then remembered the stuff I had to return to A so I did that on the same trip, and even though I slipped it under his door and didn’t actually have to see him, just talking was difficult enough for me. But I was done with it, I thought I had finally swept off the final remnants of that and could be over with the awkward exchanging of things. However, tonight while I was clearing out document holder with a bunch of my important papers in it, I found more pictures I have to give back, and it’s frustrating because I worry that now it looks like I’m just finding “convenient” excuses to meet with him or whatever, which is not the case at all. I went to great lengths to avoid face-to-face contact the other night, declined an invitation to go out to eat, because the last time it happened was so damn hard on me. And I have to do the whole “I have stuff of yours, haha, I keep popping up, don’t I? Isn’t that great?” bit, and it sucks. I thought I had done a clean sweep of everything, but I keep finding new things. If I hadn’t already told him to expect an envelope of stuff waiting for him tomorrow, I would do a thorough re-check of everything, just to make sure that was all of it, but I was too prompt and I will be kicking myself if I end up finding anything else.

– I instantly go cold and detached inside when I hear the flick-flick of the lighter, the inhale, the exhale. Even hearing it through the phone does something to me, and I hate it. Especially after talking about my grandfather just the other day, and how horrible and difficult it was for everyone in my family when he died of severe lung cancer caused by his habit.

- As always, one of my biggest issues that affects my mood is how I take my reflection that day. That sounds weird, but it’s how I feel. If I take my image as “Decent, not horrible right this minute”, things are a lot easier to cope with. For the most part, and a lot lately, it’s “Fucking gross, stop looking at the god damn mirror.” I know, I know, bitch bitch bitch, but it’s constantly on my mind and affecting my thoughts and mood.

- I wish there could be just one day that I could say exactly what is on my mind, to everyone about everything, and have no fear of repercussion. I could finally get off my chest what has been bothering for a long time but know that saying out loud would be the worst possible thing to do for everyone else, and my situation. Please tell me that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

- I’m frustrated because things have stalled, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to kick-start them back into motion. I hate the lack of momentum.

- My lack of a future scares the shit out of me.

- Sleep would be so fantastic right now, but it just won’t happen. Now what? I don’t know. Spider-solitaire or Mah Jong, I guess.

– I really wish I could reconnect with a few people from my past, but have no certain way of going about it, and I vaguely remember trying to do it once with each of these people, but nothing ever resulted from it. I should leave well enough alone, and I will… I just wish I didn’t have to.

- I don’t know if anyone even reads my incoherent ramblings anymore.

- I’m not ready to turn 21 in a week… it’s not enough time. Things are going by so fast, but so slow… I wish I could fast forward to real adulthood so I knew what would come of me, and what to expect, but I’m terrified of being a bona fide adult with real problems, unlike these I speak of here.

- I would really love some ice cream… Sigh.

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Jul 23
2010

I keep listening to this Eminem song that features Rihanna. Just like cereal, I go through phases where all I want (in copious amounts) is to listen to one song, eat that one kind, watch one thing, like that. This week’s phase is “Love the way you lie.” I think it gets to me so much because I can see some parallels in it to past relationships…

When I was in my last relationship, it started out tumultuously, and it burned with a fiery passion that was really intense before it fizzled and fell back into a routine, where the comfort level grew and the excitement waned. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of crying (on my end, at least,) but back then, I felt when I was reduced to tears, it actually had an impact, and it helped stall the fight enough for both of us to take a step back and re-evaluate in a calm way. As things progressed though, there was so many tears that eventually, they had no impact, and I could be sobbing and it would have no effect.

When I am in a conflict that isn’t going anywhere, I need to walk away to calm myself and think, and just be alone so I don’t explode. That was always an issue with A, who is a “fixer” and wanted to talk it out until things were resolved. I guess relationships can be difficult when one person wants to stay and talk, and the other wants to do nothing but run until they’re calm enough to be able to discuss things rationally. I can’t begin to count how many times I left A standing somewhere when I was crying and couldn’t take it anymore. It was a bit of a game back then for me I guess, because as much as I wanted to be alone, I also wanted him to follow, calmly hug me and not say a word until I calmed down. I told him that at one point, but the few times he tried, I was far too upset to be close to anyone, and it was always at the most inopportune times for him to try. He eventually gave up and just let me go, and eventually I would leave and be so distraught I would do stupid things like drink a bottle of rum by myself just to escape the mental anguish I was feeling at the time.

I can remember being at his house once maybe a year or two into the relationship, and we got in such a bad fight that he told me to pack up anything I had there and leave. I was given a few orange garbage bags and filled them with mementos, clothes, stuffed animals, pictures, and other small trinkets, and in order to avoid having to deal with his parents, I slipped out the front door unannounced, toting two huge bags filled with stuff. It was a few kilometres to the nearest bus stop, so I just walked down the gravel road, crying harder than I had in years, so that I could make it away from that neighbourhood. I hadn’t gotten very far when their Lexus pulled up, and his dad coaxed me into the car. I was upset, but things at the house had calmed down enough that I unpacked the things again.

It was so hard to be back there after that. I couldn’t look his parents in the eye, I couldn’t eat or talk. I was shaking, but I was helpless to leave unless I wanted to walk an hour to the nearest bus stop by his house. Back then, a car would have been so helpful, because so many times I was stuck and couldn’t go anywhere, literally at the mercy of whoever had transportation. I hate depending on people.

I don’t know what it was about us. We brought out the good and the very, very worst in each other. Maybe it was our personalities that clashed too much, maybe we were too similar and it led to confrontation because of how volatile both of us could be, maybe we just forced too much. Whatever it was, there was such a huge amount of emotions all the time, and for both of us, they were too close to the top of ourselves, and it was way too easy for things to escalate out of control. When we were in a good space, there was never a better couple, but when things were bad, I was really thankful that for most of it, no one else was around. I am the queen of the cold war, and I completely shut down when there are problems, and the king of full-fledged war and the queen of the cold were like a combustible substance mingling with a vicious spark. Fireworks flew all the time, but unfortunately, it wasn’t always the good kind.

So now… I’m still unsure of whether I think opposites are best for each other, or if being really similar is more helpful. I still can’t quite figure out what A and I were like in that regard. I think ultimately, some differences are good, but there needs to be some fundamental similarities for things to work out in the long-run. Being too similar would be boring, differences add for some variety in life, but if things like the way to raise kids, to clean a house, to run the finances, and school or work are viewed in a completely different way, especially if one (or both) of the parties is too inflexible and not willing to be open-minded and change ideas, it will just burn out.

It’s a constant struggle, I guess…

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Jul 7
2010

As part of my new outlook on life, we will be having a conversation tonight when he is off work, at a neutral place that will be open late. Last night, after thinking a lot about what I need to do in my life to be happier, more mature, and more ready to grow and flourish with love and joy, I need to quiet the storm in my head, and let bygones be bygones. I figured that having one good conversation seven months later, now that we both have calmed down, had time to think about things, and be apart for the first time in nearly five years, we will both get some final, peaceful closure.

I know it will be difficult, and last night, I regretted asking to do it because I worried about just how difficult it could be, but in the end, I think it will be worth it. I am hoping that with this open, honest and relaxed conversation, we will be able to say to one another what conclusions we have come to, and end a large chapter in both of our lives. I don’t think I can really move onto the next part of the story of my life without finishing the last chapter, which is what I am hoping to accomplish tonight. It will be hard, but I feel it will be beneficial to both of us.

I just want to say again to Badger how much I appreciate him being so trusting and loving, and not preventing me from going. It means a lot to know that he has faith in me, and is behind me in this endeavor. With his blessing, I am a lot more confident in tonights events. Thank you, A.S.H.

Sigh. Wish me luck.

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Jul 6
2010

On my way home on the bus, I just finished the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Alblom. It wasn’t something that I was interested in reading, it just happened to be sitting in the cupboard at work last week, and I grabbed it because I needed something to read on my lunch break. Books like that aren’t “my type.” The touchy-feely, lesson teaching, feel-good kind of books have never held an interest for me. I want thick plots, twisting story-lines, complex and developed characters, my mind wants to be engaged. When people around me noticed what book I was reading, they mentioned how great it was, or asked about it because they have heard reviews on it, and it shocked me every time. How had I not even heard of this book that has affected so many?

As I read it, I nearly gave up without finishing, because it bored me, was too simplistically written, and again, was just too much of a feel-good kind of book. However, as I turned the pages, I grew more and more engrossed, especially towards the end. Tonight, in the final few chapters, I was nearly in tears a few times, and I rarely cry at books or movies. (Okay yes, I cried when both Dumbledore and Sirius Black died in the Harry Potter books, but who didnt?!) This book really made me ponder the complexities of life, and made me question why the things I perceive as complex are as such. The main character in the book, Morrie, had such a lovely, simple outlook on things. Love, spirituality, compassion… they became what he lived for. So tonight I’m thinking… What do I live for?

I think a reason that the book had the impact on me that it did is because I am afraid of dying, of losing my youth and being just another old person, feeling useless and unloved and unwanted in love. Morrie was so peaceful, had come to term with death, and was so thankful of the time he had left to spend with friends and family, and help them with the transition that death would bring. I know that a fear of death is natural, and the drive for self-preservation is an animal instinct within all of us. And I know that I have brought this up before, but if I felt ready to die, I would make sure it was by my own hand. I would not wait idly by for death to claim me. That lack of control is something that has me sleepless at nights… knowing that any day could be my last, and what would I have to show for it? What kind of impact would my life leave on people? Would it leave any? What have I done in my life to make me think that I deserve to have an impact on others? What do I need to do in order to feel I deserve to leave a somewhat lasting impression on people?

Every day, I am so caught up in my warped perception of reality, in the silliest things in life. I spend probably forty out of sixty minutes, every hour that I am awake, worrying about how ugly I am, fretting over how others see me, if they think I am just as ugly as I perceive myself to be, obsessing over every inch of myself, tormented at the thought that my hips are too wide, my shoulders too broad, my thighs too large, my stomach too flabby, my arms too droopy, my lips too full, my eyes too small, my nose too long, my hair too dry, my feet too big, my hands disproportionally tiny… It’s like a loop of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-fear that is non-stop, always. The only time thoughts like that aren’t on my mind are when I am fully involved with someone else. If I am at work, and totally in to the role I am doing, talking to patients and answering their questions and assuaging their fears, my mind is fully on them and what I can do to help them feel more confident with their choices. I am not worried about my looks or what others are thinking about me. It’s the only mental peace I get in a day. There are times when I am less bothered with myself, like when I am having a conversation with a good friend about any old thing, but in the back of my mind during these times, the thoughts of self-disgust and dismay beat like a drum, constant, reaching terrifyingly loud crescendos in my head when they are allowed to grow.

I am going to look into volunteering at a senior centre a few times a month. I think that by giving myself to someone else for a few hours, listening to their stories, playing cards or board games, going for walks, I can feel a little less consumed in my own thoughts, and improve not only their time with my company, but improve my own life by letting myself have a mental break. I remember when I was a kid, grade four or five maybe, my class went to visit one of these centres, and I had such a wonderful time with the woman I was paired up with. I wrote her letters afterward, and for my birthday that year, she sent me a card that played music when it was opened. It was one of the most wonderful things I have ever received, and I smile fondly at the memory to this day. I would love to experience that again. I think that some people at these care facilities can be so lonely… some of them may be far from families, or not have anyone to visit them, and they pass the day waiting for someone to come give them attention and spend time with them. It breaks my heart to think of the loneliness that some of these seniors must feel. Being so close to something that terrifies me, aging and death, would help bring me back to a level of reality. Everyone dies, it’s a natural process, and not something to be feared. Instead of living every day in fear of my life being snatched away before I’m ready for it, I should be using each day to show people love and compassion and care, and give more to them than I could receive back.

As usual, I’m aware that these heavy thoughts are something that a twenty year old probably doesn’t need to be thinking about, but I think it’s important to be reminded of my own mortality, in order to make the best of the time I have while I am alive. I hold grudges that I should let go of. I feel anger and envy and lust and gluttony and sloth and every other one of those seven deadly sins, and though I know I won’t escape those feelings, as I think they are natural for a human to feel, I would like to learn to get past them easier, without letting them overtake my mind as they sometimes do now. I think a good goal is to forgive others, and to eventually forgive myself… maybe one day.

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Jun 25
2010

Alright guys, please excuse the upcoming rambling, I have had about five hours of sleep over the past four nights. I am starting to feel a little crazy with the lack of rest.

As you know, things have been going well for me lately, doing well at my job, lots of interest from photographers and many shoots set up, new car, business cards, moving into a new house and whatnot, and I have been really happy about everything. I was riding high on the waves of success, but yesterday, I fell from the happy place I was at. It may just be my mind playing tricks on me due to lack of sleep, or another manic-low… but I realized that the little success that it appears I have is all a fallacy. I am giving off the illusion of doing well, but in reality, it just isn’t there.

Since I found out that my car has a billion problems, it has just got me on the mind-set that I am pretty much useless in most aspects of life. I was nearly completely dependant on A for so many things. He just knew so much about life, and had connections everywhere, and he was so dependable about everything. I knew that if I had a problem with my computer, or with getting somewhere, or if I had a random question about hedge funds or the situation in Gaza, he knew the answer. He was definitely the practical one in the relationship who just knew so much, and I was the fanciful one who knew a lot of random facts about words and animals and things like that, which wasn’t ever much help in real-life situations. I have come to the realization that I am helpless when it comes to things like cars, how to know when I am getting ripped off, haggling… I’m the type of person who would pay sticker-price for a car. Haggling just isn’t in my nature.

I just feel like I am this lost, naïve little girl who is wearing a mask of confidence but underneath, is terrified of not knowing anything, and petrified of going nowhere in life because I never learned to be self-sufficient in ways like that. Sure, I can wander a foreign city alone without being afraid of the dire consequences that come with over-confidence, I am not scared to open my mouth and say something if there is something wrong, I have beliefs that I would die for, but at the end of the day, it’s what you know and who you know, and I don’t know much, and don’t know many people.

Financially, I know that I will be able to support myself, because I have a drive to do whatever it takes to ensure I can. But the other night, I was discussing money and family situations with a good friend of mine. She and her husband are also keeping some in-laws afloat, which is putting a strain on things, understandably. The thought of that happening to me is scary, because I see so many people (some related to me…) that coast through life through the hard work of others, and have no desire to better themselves or get a job and contribute to the house or society in general. Being with A and seeing his enormous drive to succeed and do well for himself inspired similar feelings within myself, but I am starting to see that he was really rare in that aspect. Having a mortgage at 22, a house of his own, is something that apparently, most people his age don’t have. When he and I first broke up, I told my mom how stressed I was that I had nothing like that going for myself, and although she slightly calmed me down by pointing out that 99% of people that age are not living in that situation, I am still to this day stressed about it. I have had a job since I turned sixteen and have never been without one, and being out of work would terrify me. I don’t understand how people can do it. Sure, a break is nice, but after a while, I would feel useless and bored and like a waste of time.

I guess I can somewhat understand the (lack of) motivation some people have to not have a job. My sister didn’t graduate high school (though this was supposed to be the year that she did,) she hasn’t had a job all year, and yet she always has new clothes, a fresh pack of smokes, and is taking trip after trip (Hawaii tomorrow.) If it was ONLY that, it wouldn’t be so bad, but she lays on the couch watching TV for hours on end, and doesn’t help out around the house at all. She leaves dirty dishes everywhere, doesn’t empty the dishwasher, cannot deign to bend over and pick up her wrappers off the floor, doesn’t ever sweep or take out the garbage… she has all the time in the world to do absolutely nothing. It drives me insane. What really bothers me is the fact that there are never consequences for her inaction around the house, at school, or in the work-force. She is rewarded for laziness by foreign trips from her father (and his sugar-mama girlfriend), while I am left to pick up the slack around the house. I literally clean around her supine body, because I don’t want my mom to come home from work to a disaster of a house. My mom isn’t guiltless in this debacle either, because she lets my sister sponge off of her and steal both of our clothes, jewelry, and my mom’s alcohol, and there is never a solid consequence. She is still moving into the new house, still is allowed to come and go as she pleases… it is bullshit.

Perhaps, it is how one is raised, that results in a higher drive to work and be successful and support oneself. I wanted to work when I was younger than sixteen, but in Alberta, it can’t be done without parental consent, and my mom wanted me to be a kid for as long as possible, because I will already be working for decades when I got older. I would say I worry about the future my sister faces with her utter laziness, but I kind of don’t, at all. She is lying in the bed she has made, and isn’t doing a thing to change it. But I worry about what she puts my mom through, and I wish I could get it through my mom’s head that my sister NEEDS consequences if we want things to change.

I’m sure I am jumping the gun about worrying so much about my future, but things just roll by so quickly after high school… I just don’t want to be left behind and regret making bad decisions. Working gives me a sense of identity, some days I become my job. I get worried when things aren’t like that for people I care about…

To sum this up, I am (still) nervous that I am not going anywhere in life, I will never amount to anything significant in the slightest, and I am destined to fail because I don’t know anything about life.

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May 7
2010

Okay. Time to ramble and rant and all the other stuff that I need to do in order to sort through the jumble of craziness in my mind.

I need to figure some things out. I keep hearing “Oh, you’re only twenty, you have plenty of time to plan out your life.” But it terrifies me that twenty all too quickly will turn into twenty five, then thirty, and I would still be wondering “What do I want to be when I grow up?” And even if I don’t know what it is that I want to be right this second, I still need to figure out how to get onto the path of educational enlightenment. It will need to be correspondence courses, as I will still need to work in order to pay off student loans and rent and food and stuff.

What I am strongly considering is taking some journalism courses. I think I have probably gone over this before, but it is still in my head and that is a good indication that it something that I should look into further. I enjoy writing, and I would enjoy eking out a living doing something that I love. At first when the suggestion was brought up to me, I was like “Uh hello? Print media is dropping off left and right. There is no point getting a journalism degree when there will be no newspapers in a few years. Not to mention how many journalism-majors there are out there.” But then I expanded my horizons for a second and realized that even if newspapers stop being produced one day, it isn’t like ALL print media would be obsolete, and even if it was, I have a bit of experience for writing online… The internet won’t be going under any time soon, and I spend hours reading random blogs and websites and their articles. Who is to say that I can’t just find an avenue online to explore? (And there is always the fallback plan of like, becoming a geisha, of course.)

Okay, so school is one thing. But now to expand on what is troubling me lately with my living situation. That is, living with my mom and moving into the new house she is building right now. Rent is cheap, and it includes internet and phone and cable and whatever else is involved with renting. And, honestly, I just love my mom. I love spending time with her, I love that she gives me the space I need when I want to be alone, I love that we are so close and can come to each other with anything. It’s a wonderful dynamic. I don’t want her to be in that big new house all alone, either. Because last week she told me that she doesn’t want my sister to move into the new place (hopefully she sticks to that), and it would make me so sad to think of her being in that place all alone. On the other side of the coin though, from past experience, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to have a boyfriend stay over… despite being nearly twenty-one. And I get it, I’m her daughter and… I don’t know, she doesn’t want me defiling her house and the image she apparently has of me in her head? I am  kind of unsure. I suppose what I need to do is talk to her about it. Because as awesome as it is living at home and having all of the great benefits I just wrote about, I am an adult. I am quite torn. Because some of you older and wiser readers with more life experience are probably thinking “What the hell is she thinking?! Having boys under her mom’s roof? If she wants to do that, she needs to move out.” But I can’t move out and pay six hundred dollars a month (at least!) in rent, plus the cost of food and living, on top of school, and a car. It just isn’t viable.

Since I have been staying with Chandy over the past few days, it has been like living with her as a room mate. And tonight she asked “So… when are you moving in for real?” And I was unsure of what to say. All I have ever heard from people I know is to not live with a friend, or beware of the potential toll it could take on our friendship. I wouldn’t want to lose her friendship. Especially since we work together too, it could just end so badly. Of course, it could also be fantastic, but I am hesitant after being told for years to watch who I live with. I worry that we would get sick of seeing each other and she would end up resenting me, or maybe we wouldn’t be compatible trying to figure out something simple like who showers first in the morning… and the incessant barking of her dogs drives me insane. And, as I type, the new neighbours she has upstairs are having loud sex which they seem to be enjoying a good amount… ugh. Living below people just fucking sucks.

Another thing on my mind is that I would ideally like to live with Badger, and maybe a couple of our mutual friends who I think would totally easy to get along with in a living situation. But who knows when that would be? At least that way rent would be probably more manageable, with a few people living together, though obviously the risk for problems rises at the same rate that rent goes down at…

Bah. What a headache. Can I just be fifteen again so I can start over, please?

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Apr 23
2010

For those of you who don’t know what it is, Gardasil is a vaccine for men and women who are between the ages of nine and twenty-six that protects against four different strains of HPV (Human Papillomavirus) and the different cancers associated with them for females, and for genital warts in males. It’s pretty neat.

It has been around for a while, and although it always seemed like a good idea to get, I decided not to. I figured that because I was in a monogamous relationship and didn’t see it ending, there was no point in getting the shot. Of course, that doesn’t make lots of sense, because there is always the risk of cheating or rape or some other random way of contracting HPV (which is from skin-to-skin contact.)

Anyway, now that the above is no longer the case, I asked my doctor to prescribe it for me. I learned that it is three different shots, the second is two months after the initial injection, and the last at six months. I also learned that the vaccine is pretty damn expensive, around $153 per dose. Luckily my insurance covered all but $15, but damn. I have never had to pay for medication before and I have had a lot, so it was a shock. I also learned that I will have to take it somewhere to get it injected, which is a pain in the ass. I figured the pharmacy would just do it, though I suppose they aren’t qualified to do that and can’t just be giving shots willy-nilly. I could go back to my doctor to have it done, but considering the hour and a half trip that is, I will be looking for something a little closer to home. The pharmacist also said that I may have to pay to have it done at those walk-in places. Bah. Perhaps I will see if one of the surgeons at my work can do it. That would be awesome.

I was doing some research into the vaccine and am kind of concerned, as I was when I looked into the H1N1 vaccine. I decided against getting that due to the rush they were in to pump out the vaccine, and the lack of studies on the long-term effects. I know, following that logic, there is no point even coming out with vaccines because they have to be used before studies can be performed. Whatever. I had H1N1 before they even had the vaccine, and I honestly wished for death (it was THAT bad) but I still chose against the vaccine. But the lack of knowledge for what happens in the long-term still concerns me for this Gardasil vaccine. It has been around for a few years now, but that doesn’t mean much. Short-term seems to be okay, but what about in five years? Ten? Thirty?

When I started this post, my intention was to write about how I think that this vaccine should be mandatory for girls and boys in school, before they become sexually active (which is getting to be a younger and younger age, which I find incredulous, but that’s for another post.) The vaccine obviously doesn’t cure any of the four strains if you already have them, so if we get it to the children before it becomes a concern, then we have it beat. One of the arguments against having this mandate was that this was basically giving girls the go-ahead to go out and have sex, because they were protected from these four strains of HPV. This argument is no doubt from the same people who believe that sexual education in the school is the work of the devil and speaking of sex to children magically turns them into depraved sex-addicts. Utterly ridiculous. I still feel that way about the argument I just listed, but after looking a little more into it, I have come to the conclusion that it’s good that they aren’t forcing this vaccine onto children. I’m glad that it is available for them, but the hard part with that is that it isn’t the child making the decision then, it’s the parents. Anyway, the reasoning behind my happiness about it not being forced is because there has been very little research into the actual effects on young children. It seems that the drug company (Merck) just figured that since it worked for older girls (16-22) it would be fine for younger girls as well. However, it would be devastating to find out that for some reason, the vaccine renders a bunch of young girls and boys sterile when they grow older. At nine or eleven or even thirteen, kids are too young to understand the repercussions that could arise, especially because we are unsure as to what those effects later in life could be.

Well, the vaccine is sitting in my fridge. I’m unsure what to do with it now. There are a lot of pluses to it, but the risk of the unknown negatives worries me. What do you think? Should I just trust Merck and the FDA and my doctor? Or should I wait a few more years? Though I suppose even if I wait another six years (after that I will be too old to get it) the known effects will still only be of about ten years. You know I value your opinions, if you have any, please let me know!

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Apr 7
2010

This is what I posted on the Greytalk forum just now. I figured what place is better to ask a question related to dogs than the forum where I have been a member for months and months, and is filled with dog-lovers? I am so stuck and unsure as to what I should do. If you guys have any ideas or opinions, please let me know! :( This is so stressful.
“Hello all,

I have been looking into different avenues for working with dogs as a career, and basically what I have come across is either being a vet/vet tech, being a trainer, or being a groomer. I would love to become an animal behaviourist, but I am having a lot of difficulty finding training for it in Canada. I also am unsure as to what the market is like for it here, as it seems as though most lay-people don’t know what the hell it is. I am interested in psychology, and love dogs, so I figured it would be a nice match.

However, since there isn’t any formal training here or anywhere close for that, I figured I would at least start as a trainer, and work my way into the psychology-aspect of it later, when there is more demand and schooling for it. There are a few different places offering education for this, and the prices seem to be around $5500. At first I was shocked, but I realized that this is a career, and I can just get a loan or whatever to cover it, like most people do if they are getting educated in something.

My issue is this: How do I know what place is a good one to go to? I’m sure some of you have heard of Brad Pattison. He is offering a training course in the province next to mine, and it runs every weekend for six weeks. The cost is $6000, and once I complete training, my name would be put on his website as one of his CET-certified trainers. But I have heard some pretty negative things about his training, his classes, stuff like that. I’m unsure where to go from here. Would you guys want a trainer who was certified in that school of training? Would it matter to you? Do you think that I should keep searching for a different school, and not get caught up in the name of the school?

I am at such a loss as to what to do, and I would really appreciate any input you guys have.

Thank you :)

Ashley”

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