One Rainy Night

Wanderlust. This word is not usually in my vocabulary, though whenever I hear it, it instantly tears right through me. It is the exact word that describes me right now, and maybe it always has.

I’m a perpetual wanderer, and each time I go, it gets farther and farther away. I’m fairly certain that one of these times; I will fall in love with a place and never make my way back home. Although the far, hidden beaches of Greenwich Provincial Park in P.E.I. had such a huge impact on me and made me so happy and at peace with everything, my heart is still being called by the siren song resonating from D.C.

Yesterday, I had to restrain myself from booking the next flight out there, no hotel and no plans; I just wanted to be back there. It was like a compulsion, I keep getting the feeling that I NEED to go back there. Unfinished business seems to be the reason that my mind is using as justification for the most part. I also have an urge to ride around on the metro, see the monuments and memorials at night, and explore some of the interesting-looking, seedy places further away from the tourist attractions. Oh well. That unfinished business was never really started in the first place, so I don’t know why I feel that I must go there and end things once and for all, though it would feel great if I did.

I have been looking into either taking a trip for about a month to a place like Thailand or India, or volunteering somehow and going over there. I want to go into journalism, and I know that I will get to that point, but I also feel that I need to experience a little bit more of life outside this city, and country even. I need to see the way people live in different societies, gain some insight into the nature of the human being in various situations… what is the point of being a writer if I have nothing important or interesting to write about?

I keep searching for something, but I don’t know what it is. I look for it everywhere I go, and I’m constantly seeking… What, though? Maybe I have a craving for life itself. To experience life different from my own, expand and broaden my horizons Can one crave life? That’s the only idea that I have that seems to apply here, a deep desire for the zest of life.

Tags: Just me, Random thoughts

- I need to stop watching movies about dogs (Marley and Me) because they just remind me how much I miss Sadie, and having a dog in general.

- I also need to stop watching shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” because they make me want to try on a bunch of wedding gowns, and that is just not practical or sensible at all.

- I’m missing people I shouldn’t be. I guess that’s just the loneliness surfacing in bad ways. It’s just too bad… because at least they were always there.

- There is a big shit-storm over Jennifer Aniston saying the word “retard.” It’s kind of ridiculous. Who doesn’t say that? I know it isn’t politically correct, and it is not something that one usually says in polite company, but I think she just was being natural, herself and open, and it slipped. It happens to all of us. It’s not like she said “nigger,” though I suppose some people feel it’s along the same lines. I just think it’s getting blown out of proportion.

– I have to admit, my god do I wish I had Heidi Montag’s body. Marvelous. I don’t care how little of it is actual human flesh anymore, she looks great. (Well, her face is kind of a train-wreck, so he’s a “butterface.” Oh well.)

- Dr. Laura Schlessinger is not renewing her contract for her radio show, which will end years and years of syndication and broadcasting world-wide. I remember listening to her show really late at night when I was a kid, lying in bed with my headphones in so I didn’t wake my sister in the bunk-bed above me. I liked listening to her because she was such a nut, and just so offensive to so many people. She provided me much entertainment as a child, because even then I could see she was a right-wing conservative whacko Christian, and those are probably my least favourite people on Earth.

- I have a lot on my mind, a lot of people I don’t want to see are popping up in my dreams (leading to basically no sleep, which is alright since I function pretty amazingly without it), and I really wish I just had an actual person to talk to in real life about it. You know? Just face-to-face, without fear of retaliation…

- I really miss school, and I’m looking into journalism courses at a few different institutions in Alberta. I was looking at English degrees so I could just be a writer, but they seem to focus on being a teacher later in life. No thanks.

- I’m starting to let some people go. Or at least, one person. I made one last effort, it had no effect, so I’m bowing out gracefully. It’s unfortunate, because they lost a good friend. I may not think much at all of myself, but I know that I am a good friend. Their loss.

- I feel like a horrible person, but in my opinion, newborns are basically never even remotely cute… they seem squished and red and like… miniature old-people. I can’t be the only person who thinks that… at least they usually get cuter as they get older. Bah

- Trying to stay afloat, though I’m feeling close to drowning.

- Waiting on that grand gesture, a miracle, really…

Tags: Just me, Random thoughts