Sep 4
2010
That one day, I’ll find someone who thinks I’m worth the grand gesture. I’ll be worth whatever it takes. One day.
Tomorrow, after work, I am going to take a drive as far away from this place as I can, and come back Tuesday morning for work.
Today gets a great big F
Tags: Loneliness, Love, Random thoughts
Sep 3
2010
Wanderlust. This word is not usually in my vocabulary, though whenever I hear it, it instantly tears right through me. It is the exact word that describes me right now, and maybe it always has.
I’m a perpetual wanderer, and each time I go, it gets farther and farther away. I’m fairly certain that one of these times; I will fall in love with a place and never make my way back home. Although the far, hidden beaches of Greenwich Provincial Park in P.E.I. had such a huge impact on me and made me so happy and at peace with everything, my heart is still being called by the siren song resonating from D.C.
Yesterday, I had to restrain myself from booking the next flight out there, no hotel and no plans; I just wanted to be back there. It was like a compulsion, I keep getting the feeling that I NEED to go back there. Unfinished business seems to be the reason that my mind is using as justification for the most part. I also have an urge to ride around on the metro, see the monuments and memorials at night, and explore some of the interesting-looking, seedy places further away from the tourist attractions. Oh well. That unfinished business was never really started in the first place, so I don’t know why I feel that I must go there and end things once and for all, though it would feel great if I did.
I have been looking into either taking a trip for about a month to a place like Thailand or India, or volunteering somehow and going over there. I want to go into journalism, and I know that I will get to that point, but I also feel that I need to experience a little bit more of life outside this city, and country even. I need to see the way people live in different societies, gain some insight into the nature of the human being in various situations… what is the point of being a writer if I have nothing important or interesting to write about?
I keep searching for something, but I don’t know what it is. I look for it everywhere I go, and I’m constantly seeking… What, though? Maybe I have a craving for life itself. To experience life different from my own, expand and broaden my horizons Can one crave life? That’s the only idea that I have that seems to apply here, a deep desire for the zest of life.
Tags: Just me, Random thoughts
Aug 26
2010
- I bought my ticket to see Lady Gaga in concert tomorrow, I’m really excited! I have been lamenting about not being able to go for months, due to how expensive the tickets were (and still are, some are going for five hundred dollars each!) and the fact that the concert is in grotty old Edmonton due to the stupid shape of the Saddledome here. I’ll be driving there straight after work tomorrow (which I need to leave early from,) seeing the concert, driving back (three hours each way), then going to work the next morning! Luckily, I got someone to cover when I leave early, and also to come in for a couple hours in the morning on Friday so I’ll have a few hours to sleep.
- I have really wanted to cover myself in temporary tattoos and do a pin-up style photo shoot, so that’s what I have set up! A few different photographers are interested in collaborating with me, and a few body painters as well for it. I can’t wait!
- Today in the staff room, a coworker of mine said “I don’t mean this in a sexual-harassment way at all, but have you lost weight?” And I know for a fact he didn’t mean it in that way at all, considering I am not his “type”… in the slightest. But I found it funny that he would even mention it. Ha!
- Since May, I have had such an intense urge to go back to DC. I think the next trip that I plan will be back there… I know I should explore other places, but DC was such a beautiful city, and there is so much to do, and getting around in taxis is really cheap but I can walk for most of the stuff in the “mall”… And if I go in April, I can catch the Cherry Blossom festival… bah!
- I was thinking of financing a car next year, but then I thought that there was something else I could finance that would make me happier and last about ten years and be way more practical… for about six grand! Hmm….
- If you eat Fibre 1 cereal (Honey cluster flavour), and pair it with wonderful vanilla-flavoured almond milk, and let it get just the slightest bit soggy, it tastes just like the fully-saturated with flavour cone at the bottom of a vanilla soft-serve ice cream… trust me! YUM!
- It gets super frustrating to crave meat all the damn time. Hamburgers, ribs, chicken nuggets, ground beef… bah. Vegetarianism gets so damn boring.
- I wrote to my MP about how the ACTA-treaty is complete bullshit. I hope more people do!
- I also suggested to some person on Kijiji who is looking for a pit bull that they adopt from the humane society instead of perpetuate the backyard breeders of a strong breed in Calgary. It saves a life, it would be cheaper than anything they find from Kijiji, and it’s good karma. Everyone wins!
- Give me some ideas to write about, please!
Tags: Just me, Random thoughts, To my readers
Aug 20
2010
So earlier this month a cargo ship containing about five hundred “refugees” from Tamil boarded at the Canadian border, seeking refuge and a place to stay. They had already been turned away in Thailand and Australia. There are women and children that were on board with the men, and the trip on the boat lasted about three months. And the situation really has people divided, and up-in-arms.
First, I’ll give you the opposing view-points, then what I feel on the subject.
On one hand, people are saying that because we are Canada, and we are know for being accepting and helpful to everyone, so we automatically should accept them without a hint of resentment or tension. It would make us (continue) to look like the peaceful, fantastic country we are, and by-god, it’s just the right thing to do.
On the other hand, these people jumped ahead of thousands of people who are going through the proper process to get refugee-status. They showed up suddenly, using women and children to play to our emotions, and left us in shock. They are costing Canadian taxpayers millions of dollars do to the processing, counseling for those with PTSD, hospital care for those that are sick, policing them, and giving them somewhere to stay. Some are thought to be terrorists, or part of the “Tamil Tigers,” though I don’t think there has been any actual proof of that surface yet. Some people are worried about infectious diseases these people potentially brought (tuberculosis was a word floating around, and one man did die while on the voyage and was “buried at sea.”)
I think it is a frustrating situation. Obviously, these people need help from someone, and Canada is one of about twenty countries who are accepting refugees. So I guess, why shouldn’t it be us? However, we have enough problems here, on top of aiding Pakistan with their horrible flooding, and various other issues around the world. It’s not like money grows on trees, Canada doesn’t have a limitless amount of cash that we can throw out willy-nilly. Not to mention, if we let this slide, it has the potential to snowball, and we’re taking in every person and their goats who wants to enter, and screwing over those who are waiting their turns like they are supposed to.
We were put in a tough spot and I don’t think it was very fair. I know they aren’t in a great situation back home, but they should have saved the $10,000 a head they spent to get on the boat, saved the resentment of most of a peaceful country, and just done it the proper, legal way.
What do you think?
Tags: Monologue, Random thoughts, Random truth
Aug 20
2010
- I need to stop watching movies about dogs (Marley and Me) because they just remind me how much I miss Sadie, and having a dog in general.
- I also need to stop watching shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” because they make me want to try on a bunch of wedding gowns, and that is just not practical or sensible at all.
- I’m missing people I shouldn’t be. I guess that’s just the loneliness surfacing in bad ways. It’s just too bad… because at least they were always there.
- There is a big shit-storm over Jennifer Aniston saying the word “retard.” It’s kind of ridiculous. Who doesn’t say that? I know it isn’t politically correct, and it is not something that one usually says in polite company, but I think she just was being natural, herself and open, and it slipped. It happens to all of us. It’s not like she said “nigger,” though I suppose some people feel it’s along the same lines. I just think it’s getting blown out of proportion.
– I have to admit, my god do I wish I had Heidi Montag’s body. Marvelous. I don’t care how little of it is actual human flesh anymore, she looks great. (Well, her face is kind of a train-wreck, so he’s a “butterface.” Oh well.)
- Dr. Laura Schlessinger is not renewing her contract for her radio show, which will end years and years of syndication and broadcasting world-wide. I remember listening to her show really late at night when I was a kid, lying in bed with my headphones in so I didn’t wake my sister in the bunk-bed above me. I liked listening to her because she was such a nut, and just so offensive to so many people. She provided me much entertainment as a child, because even then I could see she was a right-wing conservative whacko Christian, and those are probably my least favourite people on Earth.
- I have a lot on my mind, a lot of people I don’t want to see are popping up in my dreams (leading to basically no sleep, which is alright since I function pretty amazingly without it), and I really wish I just had an actual person to talk to in real life about it. You know? Just face-to-face, without fear of retaliation…
- I really miss school, and I’m looking into journalism courses at a few different institutions in Alberta. I was looking at English degrees so I could just be a writer, but they seem to focus on being a teacher later in life. No thanks.
- I’m starting to let some people go. Or at least, one person. I made one last effort, it had no effect, so I’m bowing out gracefully. It’s unfortunate, because they lost a good friend. I may not think much at all of myself, but I know that I am a good friend. Their loss.
- I feel like a horrible person, but in my opinion, newborns are basically never even remotely cute… they seem squished and red and like… miniature old-people. I can’t be the only person who thinks that… at least they usually get cuter as they get older. Bah
- Trying to stay afloat, though I’m feeling close to drowning.
- Waiting on that grand gesture, a miracle, really…
Tags: Just me, Random thoughts
Aug 20
2010
Aug 19
2010
Aug 14
2010
So here I go. Although I have been having a really hard time lately when it comes to my mental state, I am trying to keep that off of ORN for a while. I’ll focus on writing about other things.
Tonight I went for a drive to a convenience store to get some juice and Tic Tacs, and had to go somewhere else for gas, and found it intriuging that just like in DC, the attendants there had to buzz people into the store, and the one place didn’t even let people inside, paying for gas was done through a little window, and the guy was separated by bullet-proof glass. In Halifax? Really? I asked the guy if all the gas stations here were like that, and he said “They are in neighbourhoods with lots of crackheads.” I remarked that it was strange (and amusing) to me, since in Calgary, no matter how late it is or how sketchy you look, you can waltz into any convenience store that is open, and there are no barriers of any kind. And Calgary has like, 1.3 million people in it. That is more than the entire population of Nova Scotia. He said “Sure, but do you ever go to the bad parts of Calgary?” And, working downtown next to the notorious “Crack-Macs,” I have encountered my share of drug addicts, and been in shady areas of Calgary, and no, still no crazy measures like that. So now I’m wondering, are places like Halifax being overzealous, especially considering that Nova Scotia has one of the lowest crime rates in Canada, or are they being proactive? Or is it Calgary that has it backwards, and they should be making more efforts to protect their service attendants at night? Probably all of the above. However, people are crazy, and if they are wanting to cause harm, they will find somewhere to do it. A Subway was held-up, so was one of those payday-advance stores… people are nuts. If they can’t go to a gas station to get their money (or whatever they want), they’ll go elsewhere.
On a different note, there is this friend of mine who seems to constantly be pushing people away, and building a wall around himself. Although he and I haven’t talked in a few months, I watch him go through this and I wish there was something I could do. I used to care for him deeply. Well, I guess I will always care for him, but I’ve tried to put things on a back-burner because all of my effort was always futile, and it finally got to the point where it was hurting me to keep trying to help and to have him reject it. So I left him alone. And I will continue to do so, but it’s hard. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. It probably gets to me more because I do the same… I’m constantly pushing away those who are closest to me, especially when I’m going through the most emotional turmoil… It’s frustrating.
Then I have this other friend that I absolutely adore, and I’m struggling to keep my mouth shut about some things going on with him. I know he’s unhappy with the direction his life is going, and it’s progressing at the pace of a runaway train, and headed for the same destructive ending, but he won’t do anything to stop it… Our mutual friends have talked to him about it and told him plainly that he needs to end things, but I try to refrain from doing so because it’s not my place to tell him how to run his life. I just hope that he makes the right decision for him, so that he is happy now, and in his future. Hard to remain impartial when I see him hurting, but I think he knows that I just wish him happiness, whether it is on the current path he is on, or elsewhere. I hope he knows that I’ll be here to help him regardless, as will our other friends.
Sigh. The longer I’m out here, not knowing a soul, and just… living… I think I should find a place like this and just settle in, become a new person where no one knows me… and just have a clean slate. Maybe a clean break from everything will help snap me out of this depression that has gripped me again lately, although even on vacation, with no work and all play, I’m having an incredibly hard time getting out of bed to enjoy myself. Today I spent the entire day in… I just didn’t have the will to see people, and I still don’t. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me… Aren’t people supposed to have the time of their lives on vacation? I thought being here, away from all the stress at home, I would be able to feel better. I’m pushing myself to get out and do things because I know I would regret it if I didn’t, but god this is hard lately. I know I’m being ridiculous, and I wish I could just wake up and feel normal, but it just doesn’t work like that. I so want someone to reach out, but I know I will either laugh it off and say I’m fine, or just push them away.
It’s so hard.
Tags: Just me, Loneliness, Random thoughts, Sad
Jul 28
2010
Lately, I have been thinking about the “apocalypse,” or when the world will end. There have been many terrible storms lately here, inclement weather not usual for the time of the year (having to bring in fake snow in the winter to CANADA!?), things like that. And although I believe that it is due to climate _change_, not global warming (which I think the media and special-interest groups are using as a buzzword to work people up and scare them,) I don’t think that the changes in the environment are indicative of a massive, catastrophic catastrophe that will happen and wipe out everyone on earth. The world naturally goes through warming and cooling periods (over the span of thousands of years,) and people just don’t understand that. There are those who have their eyes completely blinded to reality and say “There is no ‘global-warming,’ that’s why the tomato and orange crops in Florida were horrible this year, all the snow and cold weather. Not too warm, is it?” to which I facepalm in my mind. It is such a ridiculous argument, because what the issue is (that some people have yet to realize) is _change_ to the climate, not strictly warming everywhere. Places that are usually always balmy are getting snow, places that are usually freezing have been abnormally warm, higher rates of incidence for natural disasters (though some are refuting that, and saying that they are just better documented now)… it’s real.
I think that it is a combination of a natural causes (the Earth experiencing a warming trend) and humans exacerbating the problem. Major de-forestation, mass consumption of natural products, greenhouse-gas emissions, pollution (air, soil, water), it’s all just making things worse. It’s great that now humans are finally starting to realize the impact we are having on the planet, and how massive our ecological footprint is, but it’s almost at the point where we realized this too late. Now we’re trying to backtrack a bit, and it isn’t going to happen. I’m glad that we are making a more conscious effort to watch the size of our carbon-footprint (another buzzword,) and to recycle more and take better care of the environment, but you know what a big issue is?
Overpopulation, which was the original point of this post. At the rate we’re consuming the natural resources (especially fossil fuels,) there needs to be big changes if we want to continue on our species. The accelerated pace at which the human race is expanding is scary, because we are using up the worlds fresh water (a lot is going to watering livestock, and to grow food for livestock), natural resources (trees being torn down to make room for farmland or expansion of cities), and are at greater risk of having epidemics and pandemics wipe out millions of people.
I think that every five or ten years, for an entire year, no one can have children. That way, as people die all over the world each day from whatever causes they may be, we weed out the planet a little bit each time this happens. This way, we can slow down the pace at which we are popping out children all over the place, and give the Earth a little break.
Obviously, this would be impossible to implement, and some would find it morally or fundamentally wrong, I’m sure. But the Earth needs a break… we just aren’t dying enough to compensate for the massive amount of kids being born, especially in impoverished places.
Thoughts?
Tags: Future, Random thoughts
Jul 28
2010
Quarter after twelve in the morning, up in six hours, and too frustrated to sleep. There isn’t even one or two things in particular keeping me up. It’s a culmination of being over-tired because my insomnia has been kicking my ass lately, feeling frustrated at life in general, and feeling particularly ornery because of the damn heat. So I’m just going to list off a list of what is bothering me tonight, in no order, and not relaying the degree to which one is causing me to feel like this tonight. (Antsy, anxious and pissed off, in case you were wondering.)
– It’s upsetting that I keep making little discoveries of things that I don’t want to see or have in my possession anymore. This past weekend, it was gifts that A had made me and pictures of the two of us and things like that, things that have been in storage for months and I completely forgot about. The other night I couldn’t sleep because of how hot it was, so I went out for a drive to get one of my favourite bottles of iced tea, though the nearest location that sells that one particular kind was pretty damn far. I had nothing else to do so I made the trip, then remembered the stuff I had to return to A so I did that on the same trip, and even though I slipped it under his door and didn’t actually have to see him, just talking was difficult enough for me. But I was done with it, I thought I had finally swept off the final remnants of that and could be over with the awkward exchanging of things. However, tonight while I was clearing out document holder with a bunch of my important papers in it, I found more pictures I have to give back, and it’s frustrating because I worry that now it looks like I’m just finding “convenient” excuses to meet with him or whatever, which is not the case at all. I went to great lengths to avoid face-to-face contact the other night, declined an invitation to go out to eat, because the last time it happened was so damn hard on me. And I have to do the whole “I have stuff of yours, haha, I keep popping up, don’t I? Isn’t that great?” bit, and it sucks. I thought I had done a clean sweep of everything, but I keep finding new things. If I hadn’t already told him to expect an envelope of stuff waiting for him tomorrow, I would do a thorough re-check of everything, just to make sure that was all of it, but I was too prompt and I will be kicking myself if I end up finding anything else.
– I instantly go cold and detached inside when I hear the flick-flick of the lighter, the inhale, the exhale. Even hearing it through the phone does something to me, and I hate it. Especially after talking about my grandfather just the other day, and how horrible and difficult it was for everyone in my family when he died of severe lung cancer caused by his habit.
- As always, one of my biggest issues that affects my mood is how I take my reflection that day. That sounds weird, but it’s how I feel. If I take my image as “Decent, not horrible right this minute”, things are a lot easier to cope with. For the most part, and a lot lately, it’s “Fucking gross, stop looking at the god damn mirror.” I know, I know, bitch bitch bitch, but it’s constantly on my mind and affecting my thoughts and mood.
- I wish there could be just one day that I could say exactly what is on my mind, to everyone about everything, and have no fear of repercussion. I could finally get off my chest what has been bothering for a long time but know that saying out loud would be the worst possible thing to do for everyone else, and my situation. Please tell me that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
- I’m frustrated because things have stalled, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to kick-start them back into motion. I hate the lack of momentum.
- My lack of a future scares the shit out of me.
- Sleep would be so fantastic right now, but it just won’t happen. Now what? I don’t know. Spider-solitaire or Mah Jong, I guess.
– I really wish I could reconnect with a few people from my past, but have no certain way of going about it, and I vaguely remember trying to do it once with each of these people, but nothing ever resulted from it. I should leave well enough alone, and I will… I just wish I didn’t have to.
- I don’t know if anyone even reads my incoherent ramblings anymore.
- I’m not ready to turn 21 in a week… it’s not enough time. Things are going by so fast, but so slow… I wish I could fast forward to real adulthood so I knew what would come of me, and what to expect, but I’m terrified of being a bona fide adult with real problems, unlike these I speak of here.
- I would really love some ice cream… Sigh.
Tags: Bah, Fears, Future, Just me, Life, Random thoughts, Rant
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